The Waiting Game

I didn't hear about the tornadoes in Virginia until late last night, but once I did, I couldn't sleep until I knew Dawn and Emma were OK. My son Steve is often out on his Naval ship, while his wife and daughter are home in Suffolk. Yesterday afternoon, three tornadoes tore through southeast Virginia destroying homes and injuring hundreds. When we finally spoke to Dawn, she said she and Emma were on their way to Wal-Mart when they saw cars whipping past them in the opposite direction. She was bewildered until she looked ahead of her and saw the enormous grey cloud. She immediately turned around and drove to her neighbor's home, who is an EMT, and ran inside with Emma, leaving her car running and its doors open. They waited inside, frightened, while the tornado touched down two blocks from their home. The damage left behind is devastating. Houses in their neighborhood have been obliterated, but Dawn said she was thankful the tornado came while most members of the families who live in those houses were at school or work. While the twisters caused a legion of injuries, they did not cause fatalities, and I am so grateful for that. Please pray for the people in Virginia affected by these tornadoes.

The past week has been difficult for me. It reminds me of the beginning of this process, when all we knew was that I had cancer, but we had to wait and wait for any more answers. We're back to testing and waiting. I had my PETscan done yesterday, but I won't get the results for days. I am not very good at waiting. I find myself jumping to conclusions and self-diagnosing. In that way, this blog has been very good for me. As I look back at posts where I tried to guess what was going on with my cancer, instead of waiting for those answers to be provided, I was almost always wrong. I have to laugh when I see that, and it helps me not get worked up about the horror stories I read on the internet as I research the possibilities. One thing I've heard from Dr. Segota and from my internet research is that with growing bone cancer comes growing pain. That is my biggest concern at the moment. I am not very brave in the face of pain. Please pray that God will quiet my anxieties. I know He has a plan for me, and answers for every worry I have. I need His help to rest in that knowledge.

One way I've been helped through this unpleasant waiting period is by my dear friends. For almost thirty years I have had a circle of friends who have become my Florida family. We call ourselves the "dinner club" and we have seen each other through the best and hardest of times. I have always had a soft spot for anything I like to say is, "so ugly, it's cute." So about a dozen Chrismases ago, when I couldn't afford a Christmas tree for my house, the dinner club showed up with the most misshapen, gawky, adorable pine tree I've seen and said they picked it especially for me. We have stuck by each other through thick and thin, and they are again here for me at the drop of a hat. As the years have gone by, some members of the club have moved, remarried, or had changing circumstances that have made it so we don't get together as often as we used to. But when I called to say I needed a reunion this weekend, everyone showed up. Here we were, passing around pictures of grandkids that are the spitting images of the kids we had when we all found each other thirty years ago. We invested so much time and love in everyone's families, it was wonderful to hear updates on all the kids now. The great thing about old friends is you don't have to say much for them to understand what you're feeling. We get each other - even if it's been a while. So we talked about my cancer a little, but I didn't have to say much because I knew they were right there with me and they will continue to be. Special friendships like these are some of God's greatest blessings.

Another group of friends that has blessed me is our Bible study group. It has been a while since I have been involved in one, but in divine timing, they called to invite us into the study just as Bob and I were learning about my diagnosis. It has been a wonderful time to build new friendships based on our relationship with God. One of our friends from the group and a fellow Wisconsonite, Buzz, treated us to dinner last night which was a wonderful distraction from the waiting period I'm struggling through. Buzz is a particularly inspirational friend for me because I know the Lord has seen him through incredibly hard times. Hearing his stories reaffirms my faith that if he can endure hardship, I can too.

I am again feeling a little unfocused and unmotivated to do the things I love. It's all part of the up and down cycle of this trial. I think it has a lot to do with my difficulty in waiting for answers from the PETscan. It's hard to get excited about a project when I feel like I'm in limbo. My mind is tired. One of my good friends knew a woman well who received my same diagnosis around the same time as me, but chose to forgo treatment. She has already passed away. That puts things into perspective for me. I don't spend a great deal of time thinking about the severity of stage 4 cancer, but now and then I am reminded of it. It takes a great deal of energy to fight off a disease this big, so if I need to spend a few days in bed from time to time, I'll take them. I am always praying that the Lord will give me strength and restore my energy for the continuation of my treatment so that I can continue to live for His glory whether He gives me months or dozens more years on this earth.

A surefire way to lift my spirits when I get a little down is a visit with the grandkids. I get lonesome for their hugs and kisses, so yesterday I took everyone out for ice cream. Then we headed back to John and Shannon's home to see their new butterfly garden, play in the hose water, and goof around.