A Time for Everything

As you read in my last blog, I had another chemo treatment on Tuesday. This time around, I have had less pain, but more fatigue. Tuesday and Wednesday went as expected with a good amount of energy and few side effects. Thursday is usually when things set in, and this time was no exception. The difference was that I was so tired, I had to spend the entire day in bed. I was thankful Bob and I had bought the Bible on CD so I could listen to the gospel as I dozed on and off. Friday was more of the same, but by Saturday I had some energy back. In true spring fashion, we deep-cleaned the back porch through a family effort. Then Shannon hosted another family dinner. Bob and I went home early to make sure I didn't overtire myself, and we left my kids to an evening of board games. Plus, I know enough to not be around when their mother's competitive streak comes out!

As I spent the end of last week in bed, I read some of J.I. Packer's book "Knowing God." Bob and I are blessed to be part of a Bible study that is working through this book. In my reading, I found a quote that touched me personally and set me thinking. "He seeks the fellowship of His people and sends them both sorrows and joys in order to detach their love from other things and attach it to Himself." What a complex and purposeful God. I have seen God carry out this method of bringing me to fellowship with Him numerous times in my life. As some of you may know, about a dozen years ago, my world was flipped upside down. I went from never having to worry about money to having absolutely no money to worry about! Suddenly, the command of Matthew 6:19-21 became very real to me. "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I relearned that no security is promised here on earth except that we can trust in the Lord to provide for our needs, so I asked Him to do just that. And He has absolutely never failed me.

God has recently detached me from many things I took for granted until this point. One of them is time. I have again been reminded that my time is not my own, but a gift from the Lord. And instead of an upsetting discovery, this has been freeing! I can go with the flow. My "to-do" list has moved from the front of the fridge to the side because the things I want to cross off my list can no longer be the first priority in how I spend my time. These minor tasks are not urgent anymore. If a friend or family member decides to drop by unannounced, it's a blessing, not an interruption to my day because I didn't have any ownership over my time anyways. So it is easy to accept when I see God has decided I'm going to spend my time differently than I might have thought.

Another thing God has detached me from is my love of accomplishments. I really love to do things and do them extremely well. There's nothing really wrong with that, but it becomes a problem when it is so important it affects my happiness. I can't do as much as I used to, I can't make as much as I used to, and God is teaching me to be content with that. I am still proud of what I can do even if it is less impressive than what I used to accomplish. I have learned that I am in a new phase of my life and my definition of "accomplishment" has had to evolve. Now wrapping a few gifts and putting cute tags on them is as much of an accomplishment as when I used to paint elaborate designs on furniture.

While these shifts and changes in my life have taken some time to adjust to, some have been much easier to accept. For example, after almost five decades of shaving my legs everyday, I can finally take an in-and-out Navy shower! No razors. No shampoo. Just soap down and rinse off. It's great!

Sunday morning Bob and I shared a cup of coffee on our spotless back porch, and I found myself tearing up. Bob went inside and brought me back a Kleenex so I could shed my few tears and talk about what was on my mind. A couple minutes later, Bob's cheeks were wet, so I went in to grab a Kleenex for him. Pretty soon we decided we might as well bring the whole box of tissues out with us while we discussed all we've been through and may still go through in this period of our lives. Besides the obvious trial of my cancer, I am also dealing with the recent deaths of both of my parents and my sister. Changes started coming at us so fast, I never had much time to grieve. I really miss them. When people die who have known you from the moment you were born and even earlier, it feels like a piece of your history dies with them. I'm never going to get to hear Teachy tell the same stories he's told thousands of times about my childhood again. There's no one around who was there. No one who actually remembers those things happening. Just the memory of his tales. I miss my sister's "go-go-go" energy. Even in her sixties she could still out-party the teenagers. She could never understand why everyone around her kept getting so old. She still wanted to go out dancing! I couldn't understand it either. Who can stay up past midnight after they hit forty? I am glad to see my mother's strong-willed nature in myself and in my kids. Mother could drive a person crazy repeating herself till you agreed, and I'm sure we all drive people crazy too. But she taught us not to back down. I am thankful for her strength and determination in our blood. It has carried us through many hard times.

I also miss my pastor, Dr. Kennedy. He irreversibly changed my life, and I miss his friendship and guidance.

I am still waiting to hear from the nurse who will schedule my tests to see how the chemo has worked. They will probably be at the end of this week or the beginning of next. Please continue to pray for me! God bless!