Resurrection reflection

"Could life so end, half told; its school so fail?
Soul, soul, there is a sequel to thy tale!"
~Robert Mowry Bell

Today is Easter Sunday, and I couldn't go to church because my chemotherapy doesn't allow me to be in crowds. The rest of the family went together and picked me up afterwards for brunch. Although I couldn't go to an Easter service, I had the morning to reflect on the freedom brought through Christ's resurrection. This gift is probably especially poignant to me this year given my circumstances. It is the ultimate blessing through the ultimate sacrifice. Despite my sin which deserves death, I will enjoy eternal life with the Creator of all things because He Himself died to pay for my sins. It is incredible to think on. We see crosses displayed in jewelry, art, on bumper stickers, even in tattoos - reminders of Christ's death are inescapable. But how often do we reflect upon His empty tomb? The story doesn't end with His crucifixion. It continues with His return to life! Of course, it seems inconceivable that He could have conquered death, but my faith is strengthened by evidence that His resurrection must be real. Some have said maybe He wasn't completely dead and simply regained consciousness, left the tomb, and appeared to people as if He was resurrected. But He was tortured too badly in His punishment to have gotten Himself out of the tomb and walked around appearing fully restored to those who saw Him within days of the crucifixion. Another theory is that He never actually left the tomb at all and the disappearance of the body was a rumor, but the Roman government would have wasted no time in presenting His dead body for any of His followers to see and be convinced He was truly dead. And knowing that nearly all of the disciples died brutally violent deaths defending their claims that He rose from the dead, it is inconceivable for me to believe they each went tortured into their graves defending a lie. This severely lessens the plausibility of the theory that they had stolen Jesus's body from the tomb and lied about seeing Him alive after the crucifixion in order to further their new religion. Reasoning like this mounts up until I am compelled to believe that an all-powerful God actually conquered death to save me, instead of believing improbable theories that His resurrection was some kind of hoax. How wonderful that the Lord provides evidence that means we don't have to suspend our intelligence to believe in the supernatural! Praise God!

I am surprised thus far that the effects of this round of chemo have been much milder than my first time. I have been told that I will feel cumulatively worse with each treatment because the adverse effects tend to add up as my immune system weakens. However, I think since this time I am not afraid to take my pain medications, I have had a better result. I wake up in the mornings with the same physical troubles I had the first time around, but they soon subside as I follow the doctor's orders. I make sure to get plenty of rest, and I am doing fine.

We were lucky to have another holiday meal at John and Shannon's house today. I had passed the platter on to Shannon at Thanksgiving, before we knew I would be sick. As it turns out, it was just another way God was preparing us for changes in advance. John and Shannon hosted another perfect family afternoon, and Erin provided gourmet desserts! My heart was overcome with joy and thanksgiving as I watched the two young parents dote on their kids. I don't know if I saw Addison's feet touch the floor once while I was over there, her dad was so busy scooping her up to kiss her, tickle her, or just carry her around while he drinks coffee. Annabelle was helping her aunt make homemade lemonade and set the table between cuddling with mom, Gram, Grandpa Bob, or whoever could get their hands on her in the short moments she was still. I was just so proud. I felt the same way when Emma was here with Steve and Dawn. Since they live in Virginia, I was so glad to have them stay in my home for a week and watch what incredible, loving parents they are.

But these same thoughts that filled me with such pride and joy make me very sad tonight. I went into Mackenzie's room in tears to tell her how I was feeling. Should God choose to take me home to be with Him soon, I grieve over the things I will miss. I want to see her cuddling her children. I want to know and influence the grandchildren to come. I hate to think Mackenzie won't be able to call her mom with a parenting question. I hate to think I won't smell any more newborn grandbabies and kiss their foreheads. I have four kids that God may continue to bless with even more children. I hate to think I might miss life landmarks for my children and their children. I remember before my mother died, she said she wanted to be able to see Addison get married, and Addison hadn't even been born yet. I guess no matter how old we are, or how much God prepares us for our inevitable death, our understanding of heaven is so stunted that we long to experience just a little more life here on earth. But I do know that God has something even greater than the smell of newborn grandbabies waiting for us in heaven. My prayer is that I will get to love and treasure all of them for eternity in heaven - the ones born during my lifetime and the ones to follow long after. I pray fervently that each of my children's children will know and accept the salvation and forgiveness of Jesus Christ through His death and resurrection so that we can share eternity together with our Lord. How absolutely perfect that would be - in the most literal sense of the word!

But since I've been thinking on the things I might miss out on whenever the Lord decides to take me home, I am a little heartbroken tonight. Hopefully, you can help me out. I know I need a few good laughs, so please post any joke you know as a comment on this blog to brighten my spirits and give the rest of my readers a smile! God bless!

Nowhere to go, but plenty to say :)

I'm spending most of the day hooked to a machine and glued to my chair, so it's the perfect time for an update! I'm back in chemo today with the same familiar nurses and procedures. Mornings like this one are difficult. I wake up with nerves and emotions that plague me through my morning routine as I get ready to head back to the hospital. Many people are surprised when I tell them that there are plenty of times when I completely forget I have cancer. This trial has brought with it so many blessings into my life that I find it easy to forget my sickness in the midst of strengthened friendships, family visits, small gifts of love, and renewed insight into God's sovereignty. But when I go in for chemo, I'm forced to remember. I have cancer. Big cancer. Once I get to the infusion area, though, I see that I am not alone in this. The area is filled with other cancer patients going through this at the same time as me. I am glad we don't receive our treatment in private rooms. It is important to feel community, not isolation, as you fight an uphill battle. I'm part of a team of strong people, and I praise God that I feel encouragement just seeing others who can know and understand my experience right now.

I believe that God has a purpose for my good in everything he allows me to go through, and during this particular struggle, I feel that I've gained a new, deeper understanding of this belief. I used to appreciate that once the struggle was over, I could usually look back and see how it led to the blessings and growth that followed. The struggle was necessary as a means to the future good God had in store. This is the first time where I can clearly see many of the blessings in the middle of the storm. The struggle is not just the necessary evil, or the bridge, that brings us to our destination of God's good purpose. The struggle is, in and of itself, an integral part of the path. This is the time that I draw near to God. I am so thankful for the moments of suffering when I feel the need to cry out to him. It is easy to overlook his involvement in the good times. But when events are beyond my control, I remember that I desperately need him. I hope through this trial God will help me grow into the kind of person that remembers my dependence on him in the good and the bad. I can now say that I am thankful for my grandbabies and for my cancer, and both are valuable parts of my life.

Saturday night provided one of those good times that makes me temporarily forget my cancer. Mackenzie has a group of wonderful friends that have stayed close through high school and college, and a few of them threw a dinner party for their parents this weekend. The feast rivaled a Thanksgiving banquet, and every part of it was delicious! We, the parents, gladly agreed that the past ten years of giving the girls rides to each other's houses, providing money for their adventures, and always having the phone lines tied up, finally paid off by being treated to this great dinner party! It was a lot of fun to have a multi-generational evening with different families and see how the parent/child relationship has crossed over to being good friends. Even though we couldn't always keep up the with girls' mile-a-minute conversations, it was great to see them laugh together, and to join in. Plus, the dinner was held at my all-time favorite home! Richard and Pam were gracious enough to give me a tour for the twentieth time, and I'm still impressed with their style and location right on the water.

I am again looking forward to a visit from Steve, Dawn, and Emma. Shannon will be hosting Easter brunch at her house, and I'm sure the week will be filled with more big, boisterous family gatherings - my favorite kind.

No More Bad Hair Days

Well I finally went for a REALLY short 'do. My hair was steadily falling out, so yesterday morning I asked Mackenzie to help me shave it all off. I've heard stories from a lot of women who have been through chemo and had difficulty accepting their hair loss. I wasn't sure how I would react, but thankfully, it was not very traumatic for me. I have already seen my mother and sister bald, and I thought they still looked great! Even without the ornamentation of hair, we've got good genes in our family, and frankly, I still don't look half-bad! I've noticed that my head gets cold easily, so I'm wearing hats around the house. Other than that, there isn't much too complain about. I wore a wig to lunch with my sister Joanie today, and it was great to be able to get all ready and just throw my hair on before I walked out the door, knowing it looked great without any styling!

We checked in with Dr. Segota again on Wednesday. The appointments have gotten a little shorter since there's less new information as we continue this journey. The one minor issue was that some test results from my blood work came back different than expected. Dr. Segota said it was probably a lab error, but suggested I get retested to be safe. So on the way home we popped in at my general physician, Dr. Groene's, office to see if we could take care of it right away. She has some of the most friendly, affectionate office workers who gave me lots of hugs and did my blood work immediately. They talked me into waiting until Dr. Groene got out of her appointment so she could say hi. I was glad I stayed because Dr. Groene was happy to see me, sit down to chat and answer even more of my questions. Dr. Groene is a real blessing to me because she has been through severe cancer herself and offers me great hope, advice, and companionship. And as it turns out, the blood test results were a lab error.

The major change I've noticed in the past couple days is that I've lost my appetite. I've always been a big fan of all food, but lately I haven't even had a craving! I keep reminding myself to eat regularly, more for necessity than enjoyment. But I certainly don't mind this being the biggest of my problems at the moment.

The flowers at the top of the blog were from Bob the day my hair began falling out. The two at the bottom are proof that I have no shame. It's the shaving process - complete with a mullet!

I'm Alive!

I have heard my throngs of faithful readers calling out for a new blog post. I realize the irony that the title of this site is the "daily journey of jayne" when I post about once or twice a week. But I figured if I called it "the couple times a week journey of jayne" it would be too long of a title and frankly wouldn't have the same ring to it! Truthfully, I hadn't written in a while because the most exciting thing that had happened was that I cleaned out and reorganized my master bathroom. No amount of flowery wording could make that a riveting blog post. But that's the way it has been - life as usual - and I am very happy for it. This cancer has become a big part of my life, but when I'm not getting chemo or seeing doctors, life goes on as it did before and I really enjoy the typical events of daily living, even if it is just a sparkling clean bathroom.

I'm writing now because I do have a few more interesting updates. Just today my hair began falling out. Mackenzie and I were joking about my unruly mane, and when I ran my hand through it, I came out with a dozen strands between my fingers. I've known this was going to happen, but I don't think you can prepare for that exact moment. Even with full knowledge of what to expect, it was shocking. But now I've become fascinated with it! I just keep pulling out little palmfuls, and every time I'm amazed at how easily it just falls right out. We'll see what happens when I wash it. I think I'll just shave it all off within a couple days and start wearing my fashionable new hats and scarfs.

I went to see my psychologist JaNon a few days after my meltdown. I call her my "rent-a-friend." I hadn't been in to see her since August, and when I walked into her office she asked me how yoga was going and if Mackenzie was enjoying living in New York. I realized I had a lot to fill her in on! She's usually a great help during my times of trial, but I've been so trialed-out lately I hadn't even found time to catch her up. I told her my yoga kick only lasted for three classes until I hurt my back, Mackenzie has postponed the big city move, and about the deaths in my family and my illness. It was my first shrink appointment where I found myself passing JaNon all the tissues. But this experience was again a reminder to me of the importance of choosing the right doctors. They are so much more than medical professionals to me. They become my friends. Dr. Jeffrey Thackery is another one of my doctors who left a message on my phone the other day just to ask how I was doing and let me know he was thinking of me. I have been blessed with such good people in my life.

I am still feeling pretty well. I have minor pains now and then, and of course I told you my hair is falling out, but mainly I feel pretty normal. Overall I am thankful that cancer doesn't have to interfere with every single aspect of my life. I still feel very happy and loved.

On Thursday I see Dr. Segota again and prepare for round 2 of chemo beginning March 18. I'll try not to keep you hanging so long before the next blog post!

I had promised more NYC pictures, so I'll add a whole bunch! Starting with the picture resulting from Mackenzie and I hijacking Erin's camera, to the two sisters proposing to each other at every romantic site on Valentine's Day, to the best of our site-seeing.

Fall and Recover

Yesterday I officially had my first meltdown, and I was reminded why I chose Dr. Segota as my oncologist. I had expected to be nauseous and tired after my first chemo cycle. I also expected the localized bone aches from the Neulasta. But I didn't expect all the other symptoms that sprang up over the weekend. To name a few, I had a constant headache, sensitivity in my hair follicles, major pain in my feet, night sweats, back aches, and a constricting pressure throughout my whole body. On top of this, I hadn't seen my grandbabies in ten days! I left a message for Dr. Segota's nurse Monday morning in tears over these unanticipated problems. I got a call minutes later asking me to come see the doctor in an hour. I had originally met Dr. Segota during my father's last few days in hospice two months ago, and I was struck by her compassion. It's inspiring to see someone in her very serious profession who is more than just business. She takes a personal interest in her patients and does her work with gentle understanding of their journey. She worked me into her morning appointments and I was able to vent, cry, and ask my questions without ever feeling foolish. Just being able to talk to someone who could supply knowledgeable answers for me was incredibly therapeutic. She gave explanations for most of my symptoms, and encouraged me to take the pain medication she had prescribed. I had been relying mainly on Tylenol for my problems because I was afraid if I took the stronger medication, it wouldn't be as effective down the road when my pain becomes worse. Dr. Segota and her nurse explained to me that my current prescription is very mild and that I should mainly be concerned with my comfort. As my treatment continues, my pain medication will become stronger as needed. Amazing that the medical professionals thought of that before I did!

Now that I'm following their advice, I feel much better. I was able to go to Bible study last night where the group prayed for and encouraged me. I also went to my art class this morning where I painted and got more therapy talking with good friends. My hand is much better, especially since I am taking pain medication. Thank you for your prayers.

My daughters are making sure I eat well this week! Mackenzie has decided to learn to cook, and since Shannon is the expert in the family, she came over to help Mackenzie through her first dinner Monday night. It came out delicious! The two of them have already planned another homemade meal for Thursday. Then Erin called to let us know she'll be cooking for us Wednesday evening. Who knew I had raised so many aspiring chefs? Here's to good eating!

I was touched this evening to receive a card and gift from the faculty at Westminster Academy where two of my daughters went to school. I haven't been in close contact with many at Westminster since my kids graduated, so this gesture from them was unexpected and very stirring. I am moved that I am still in the thoughts and prayers of people I have known at all different times in my life. That kind of caring reminds me of Christ's faithful love and rejuvenates my strength for the road ahead.