Mixed Reviews

Wednesday morning I was feeling the best I've felt in months! It was the day after chemo and I shot out of bed wide awake and full of energy! I cleaned the house, hung drapes, and went out to lunch all with a chipper arrogance that this chemo stuff is not nearly as bad as everyone makes it out to be! Then Mackenzie and I went to the hospital for my Neulasta shot and Zometa infusion. I bragged to the nurse about my newfound spunk, and then she said the words I was hoping not to hear, "Ooh, didn't they warn you about that?" Apparently, before chemo, they give you a steroid to counteract the possible adverse effects for a couple days after the cycle. I guess I was supposed to be warned to resist the urge to use up that excess energy. Whoops! The nurse cautioned me to take it easy because I would probably experience an energy crash soon. I suppose it's good to know for next time!

I am tired now, but it's not extreme. So far, God has answered your prayers and mine that I would not be nauseous or physically ill. My major complaint is aching bones from the Neulasta shot that evens out my white blood cell count. It's not a terrible pain, but it is constant and uncomfortable. It's interesting in that it is accutely localized. For a while, my thigh bone will ache, then it'll travel to my pelvis, then my skull, and all around my body like that. I've read up on it a bit, and the bone aches are only supposed to last a few days.

I miss my baby girls! Annabelle and Addison, as well as their mother, have had colds, so they can't come over. I sent Annabelle a card in the mail the other day, and she sends home gifts with Mackenzie, so we've been in communication. I can't wait to see them again! My friends have kept me from getting lonely though. Joann Cline, my best friend from high school sent me a shawl made especially and prayerfully for me by women at St. John's church in my hometown of Antigo, Wisconsin. She included pictures of her beautiful home wrapped in snow, and a photo of my dad Teachy when he was probably only 7 or 8 years old! She said my blog reminded her that I love to sew, and she recalled the time we made matching corduroy jumpers to go with our killer go-go boots in high school! We must have really been lookers! Another friend of mine named Jo sent me a list of verses that she prays for me and now I can pray with her. I must say, through this experience, very few of my tears have been because of sadness. I am put to shame by the kindness of the people God has brought into my life.

Bob and I are already the type to go to bed early, and now I've been spending more time resting in my room, so we bought the Bible on tape to listen to while we lay around. I've always loved being read to, especially because it was one of the sweet things Teachy would do for us girls. The voice of James Earl Jones on this Bible recording is certainly different, but it still reminds me of my dad.

I have one specific prayer I would like you all to say for me. If you have spent any time with me, you know that I am an artist. Painting, sewing, and general crafting are my favorite past-times. But lately I've been losing function in my left hand. It could be due to any number of things, but it is distressing when it interferes with my art. And it could be made worse as I continue treatment because one of the possible side effects of a drug I'm taking is the loss of feeling in my extremities. This is probably my biggest concern as far as reactions to my medication. Please pray for restored and continued dexterity in my hands so that I can continue to create.

Here are some pictures from my birthday breakfast last weekend, starting with the hosts of the party, Shannon and her husband John.

The ball is rolling!

Today was finally my first chemotherapy session. Dr. Segota's nurse Debbie called Monday morning to inform us that the biopsy results were positive for cancer in my spine. Since we had that answer, we could begin treatment right away. My chemo had been postponed and rescheduled numerous times over the past weeks, and of course, when the date was solidified, Mackenzie was out of town for the day. She offered to come home, but I knew that I have some amazing friends who have asked for opportunities to help me, and when I called Donna and Suzi, they were delighted to keep me company during my chemo. Donna and I arrived at 9:00am this morning for the all-day affair. While the experience was long, it certainly wasn't as uncomfortable as I expected - I think greatly because I was well cared for by my companions. Donna and I spent the morning growing closer through conversation about our lives and our Lord. Then Suzi came in for the lunch shift with gifts as usual! After twenty years, the two of us have yet to run out of things to talk about. Erin left work early and sat with me through the last few hours until about 6:00pm. I felt comfortable with these three helpers, but also to find there were many familiar faces among the nurses in the chemo area. I met most of them when I used to accompany my mother to get her cancer treatment. They were all sweet to remember me and ask about her.

Truthfully, I think the timing of my chemo has turned out pretty perfectly since my hair has grown out to a completely awkward length! No hair might be an improvement over the unruly style I've had lately. And I'm excited to wear all of my bald-head accessories. I've got the scarf from Ragan, plus some cute hats I ordered online - I even ordered a matching set for Annabelle and me to wear together!

I know many of you have been praying for Annabelle's understanding and dealing with my cancer. I found out a few days ago that she has been praying for me as well. When Mackenzie was driving her home after a play day, Annabelle prayed out loud for her grandma. She said, "Dear God, please help Gram to feel good and keep her hair and always be happy and love me. In Jesus name, Amen." It made me cry to hear of her compassion, and that she had asked my daughters if she could get me medicine for my birthday so I would get better. They assured her that I had the best medicine possible, so Annabelle settled for giving me scented bath products instead. After I heard these stories, I thanked her for praying for me and told her I was OK with losing my hair, so she didn't need to feel worried about that. She was excited when I mentioned the idea of matching hats, so now I think she's actually waiting for my hair to fall out so we can start showing off our hats!

I feel fine tonight - just a little tired of sitting for so long! The nurses told me any effects from the chemo would begin tomorrow, so please pray that I do not get sick or overly fatigued. Thank you for continuing to check-up on me and encourage me!

The Big 3-0!

I never thought it would happen, but I've finally hit that three decade mark! And it was much less traumatic than I expected. Actually, it was wonderful. The first day of birthday celebrations (there will be many) began with Erin's fifth grade class calling to sing "Happy Birthday" to me at 8am! I especially enjoyed the added "cha cha cha" at the end of every line. This was followed by a visit from Shannon and Addison, and then gifts from Mackenzie when she finally rolled out of bed. She gave me a cute red jumpsuit for my chemo days, and a decorative sign saying, "I love you to the moon and back," one of our favorite childhood quotes. A couple of years ago I came up with a great idea for gifts since I don't really have need for many more "things." Instead, for birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day, etc, I asked my family to make picture pages of our memories for an empty scrapbook I bought. It's one of the best ideas I've had! I had to get a new scrapbook for this year because the first is already filled to the brim. So my presents from Shannon and Erin are works in progress as they collect photos for the pages. Mackenzie cops out on the pages idea every now and then since she didn't inherit my gene that loves to make crafts like my other daughters did! I talked to my darling Steve, and his present is en route, so I'm crossing my fingers for photo pages from him too! Bob sent beautiful flowers that are adorning our kitchen table, and even a few friends sent presents for my special day. I must say, one of the most touching was a package that was sent by one of Mackenzie's best friends, Ragan, from her new home in Australia! It was exciting and moving to get a gorgeous silk scarf all the way from the other side of the globe on my exact birthday! I tried to send a "thank you" email, but the address I have must be wrong. So Ragan, I hope you read this soon and know that your thoughtfulness brought me to tears of appreciation. The festivities will continue tomorrow morning with a birthday breakfast hosted and catered by Shannon!

All the birthday joy was a very timely comfort during a difficult week. As you know, I last wrote while waiting for my spine biopsy on Monday. Before the procedure began, the radiologist asked a nurse to grab Mackenzie from the waiting room so that he could speak with us both and allow us to make an informed decision. He didn't exactly understand the point of the biopsy since the previous tests indicated I almost certainly have cancer in my bone. We told him the oncologists had encouraged it so that we would have definitive knowledge over whether or not it is actually there. Here's the complication: Dr. Tate, the radiologist, informed us that even if the results of the biopsy come back negative for cancer, that is not proof that my spine is unaffected. It may just mean they didn't biopsy the exact area where the cancer is growing. He basically asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through this trying procedure with the knowledge that a negative result would not really prove I have no cancer in my spine. On the flip side, if the results are positive, we will know absolutely that we are dealing with Stage 4 cancer. We didn't come to a conclusion quickly. This is my fourth biopsy, and truthfully, I am exhausted from being prodded at and not receiving concrete answers from it. At the end of some time, we all agreed that since I had gone to the trouble of going all the way to Sloan-Kettering to get a recommendation, and since I was already at the hospital, I may as well go through with the procedure, and put faith in God to take care of the results. This may sound like a simple answer, but continuing to completely trust in the Lord while repeatedly making difficult life-altering decisions is tough. He has been faithful in giving me the strength I need, bit by bit, and I am encouraged by all your support, but I don't want anyone to misunderstand my journey as being uncomplicated or easily travelled. Without the care of my Lord and the loved ones he has blessed me with, I know this would be unmanageable for me. I am so thankful for God's salvation in daily life and in eternity!

Tuesday was scheduled to be my first chemo cycle, and from what we understood in speaking to nurses at the hospital, it was a go. Mackenzie and I arrived and registered, only to be met in the office by Dr. Segota's nurse, telling us that chemo would be again postponed indefinitely until the bone biopsy results are in. It may sound strange that I was sort of looking forward to the chemo cycle, but when you've been dreading the unknown for a while, it is a relief to feel you'll finally get it over with! I was really frustrated to find out at the last minute that I would again be put on hold. I shed a few tears and decided I HAD to get my nails done! By the end of the day, my spirits were rejuvinated, and now I am continuing to wait for these biopsy results. This has been the most painful recovery of my procedures, so please pray that my aches will be alleviated, my strength will be sustained, and my faith in the Lord will continue to grow while I am refined by these trials.

While I wait to hear from the doctors, I've been provided with unexpected time to knock some tasks off my perpetual "to-do" list. If you come over to visit anytime soon, I'll have to show you the delightful new drapes I've made for my bedroom window!

I'll leave you with some photos of Addison in her new Easter dresses! You can just see the trouble in her eyes!

Penciling it in...

Mackenzie and I have read every copy of Oprah's magazine and Sports Illustrated in the Holy Cross Hospital outpatient waiting room, and my guess is we still have time to spare, so I'll catch you up. I am having my spinal biopsy done this morning to find out once and for all if there is cancer in my vertebrae and solidify the treatment plan that will follow. As far as I know, my chemotherapy will still begin tomorrow as scheduled, unless we find something very surprising in this biopsy that alters that arrangement. One major lesson I've learned in this process is to never mark your calendar in ink! We have had to roll with many changes and there will be more to come, so we just try to remain flexible and trust in God's sovereignty as events unfold. I am confident that even when things seem hectic in the midsts of multiple biopsies, MRIs, CATscans, dr's appointments, and the like, the Lord is carrying me through in His palm. Isaiah 12:2 says, “Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation.”

We had a ball in New York City, creating laughter and memories. We were able to see another Broadway show, Young Frankenstein, from the first row! It was amazing to see the detail in their costumes close up, not to mention the amount of sweat and spit that falls on stage! The musical was just as funny as the movie and very impressive in performance and technical talent. On Valentine's Day, Bob took the girls out for lunch at Tavern on the Green. It was a gorgeous day, and the elegant dining room adorned with real blossoms and elaborate chandeliers was drenched in sunlight from the encircling windows. A perfect day for a marriage proposal, we figured! We kept our eyes glued to every affectionate young couple that walked in, but no one got on his knee. What's wrong with these guys?! However, we got our satisfaction later that night on the top of the Empire State building when a couple got engaged right next to us! They were giddy and cute as we took pictures of them and admired the ring. We did so much during our week in the city that the flight home was a blur of exhaustion. It was great to get back into our own beds and sleep in!

Shannon and Annabelle came over to welcome us home yesterday and collect their portion of the spoils from our trip. I was happy to see my girls I had missed so much! The rest of the day was spent lying in bed and watching a marathon of movies. I needed to rest up for the upcoming busy week with my biopsy, chemo, and BIRTHDAY! The winter is such a popular time for birthdays in my family, people start to think we're joking by the end of February. But as God would have it, He saved the best for last in our family birthdays and mine ends the series at February 20th! You can send all cards and gift packages to the address listed in my first blog post! :)

Please continue your prayers and support. They are greatly needed and appreciated!

There will be more NYC pictures to follow, but here's a sampling. The first couple are a tribute to our trio of red coats, and the last is Bob and I showing our "Dogs Rule" fashion sense in front of Louis Vuitton.

Mixing business with pleasure

Well, New Yorkers may be unhappy about the bleak weather in Manhattan the past couple days, but we are loving every minute of it! Who comes from Florida to New York in the winter to wear shorts? It's been in the low 20s, and today we had snow! My face is thawing from the walk home from the Theatre District as I write this!

We got to our hotel on 50th and 3rd Monday afternoon and discovered we were just down the street from the original Smith & Wollensky. I've heard so much about their world famous steaks, and since it was Mackenzie's birthday, we had the perfect excuse to splurge on dinner! We were the only family there in a sea of businessmen. The environment was charming, and the food didn't disappoint - especially the complementary chocolate mousse cake and song for the birthday girl! We got to bed early last night after a little exploring to be rested for the appointment with Sloan-Kettering this morning.

The hotel is few steps away from Sloan-Kettering, and my appointment was at 11:00am. Bob, Mackenzie, and I were already here, and Erin was able to hop a last minute flight from Florida and meet us at the office. I was impressed by the friendly workers, efficiency, cleanliness, and overall order throughout the building. Dr. Oettgen was a sweet white-haired man with a bow tie and a German accent. He reviewed my tests with us and gave me a brief physical. Then he went to look over my x-rays and came back to talk with my family. Basically, he agrees with Dr. Segota on my treatment plan and the steps we've taken thus far. His major comment was that he strongly suggests I get a biopsy of my spine. The MRI and PETscans of my spine raised suspicion that the cancer had spread to my bones. However, both the radiologist at Holy Cross and at Sloan-Kettering could not state with certainty that what is showing up in these tests is cancer. It is just highly probable. Dr. Oettgen feels strongly about this biopsy because it is the only way to get a definitive answer about what is going on in my vertebrae. If there is no cancer, it could be Stage 3B, which, as I've said before, offers a possible chance of healing or at least a longer life expectancy. The side effects of treatment for Stage 3B would be much more severe, but it would be worth it since I would have a chance of survival. So we didn't necessarily learn anything new, but we did get a strong recommendation for a spinal biopsy. We called Dr. Segota's nurse to set up that test as soon as possible. So again, my chemo treatment which was rescheduled for February 19, will probably be postponed until we learn the results of the biopsy since it could change the way we go forward.

Overall we had a good experience at Sloan-Kettering and I was comforted by their friendly manner and Dr. Oettgen's willingness to sit with us until all our questions were answered. We headed to a New York deli for lunch and made plans for the rest of our stay. Our "must-do" list covers the front and back of a page, so we should be busy! We hopped the subway down to Macy's and checked out two whole floors of shoes! A couple natives noticed we were already making a fashion statement ourselves since Erin, Mackenzie, and I were all wearing bright red winter coats. I had bought them for each of us - can you guess my favorite color? We certainly stood out from the black trenches all around us. Madison Square Garden was just around the corner where the Westminster Dog Show was going on. We got 2 free goodie bags containing "Dogs Rule" skull caps. Bob and I put them on to survive the chill. I kept laughing when I saw how silly he looked in that hat until Erin pointed out I looked just as ridiculous.

All Mackenzie wants to do while we're here is pack in the Broadway shows, and luckily she has a good friend in the city who was able to get us discounted prices for Curtains, a musical starring David Hyde Pierce (Niles from "Frasier"). It was cute and clever and we all enjoyed it. We opted to walk home and enjoy the snow, and now we're wiped! So we're heading to bed and looking forward to making a dent in our "must-do" list tomorrow.

When you get a vacation to Manhattan in order to get a second opinion, I think it becomes more than just a "necessary evil." This trip is a blessing. Wish you all were here! :-)

New York State of Mind

I'm ready to take Manhattan! God is still proving himself present and active in my life, and I have been scheduled for an appointment at Sloan-Kettering on Tuesday, February 12. Originally, they told me they could not fit me in until February 28, which my oncologist said would be putting off my chemotherapy too long. They told me they would put me on the cancellation list for Sloan-Kettering, but I shouldn't count on getting that call since most appointments are cancelled with short notice and I live too far to be able to fill the empty time slot. We were redirecting our focus to the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio, which also had no room for me next week, when I received a call from Sloan-Kettering. Dr. Oettgen, the lung cancer specialist, had told his employees to fit me in Tuesday. Lori, the scheduler I spoke to, said she could not imagine why he wanted to fit me in next week, but he did, so she would get me an appointment as he had requested. It is amazing to see God take specific interest in my life. I am so grateful! So Bob, Mackenzie, and I will fly to New York on Monday and return at the end of the week, hopefully after seeing "Jersey Boys" and "Mary Poppins" on Broadway!

I found myself crying the other day after a call from Bryan and Norma, but they were tears of joy and appreciation for these good people in my life. They called just to remind me of their love and ask my plans for my upcoming birthday. (Don't worry, you'll receive many more reminders before the big day!) God has blessed many of you with enormous hearts for compassion and friendship, and your selflessness brings me to tears. I feel so blessed by the outpouring of kindness I receive from all of you. Please continue your prayers for me and my family as I continue to thank God for your support.

We are having a big farewell dinner at Bonefish Grill tonight because Steve, Dawn, and Emma have to head back to Virginia tomorrow. I have loved having them here, and watching my three granddaughters interact. Annabelle is 4, Emma is 19 months, and Addison is 16 months. The differences are endless! Addison is just pure trouble, and it keeps me entertained. She doesn't say many words beyond, "Mama," "book," and "ball," but she communicates plenty. She purposely makes sure she has the attention of the room before she does something naughty like turn off the TV program we're watching, or grab one of Grandma's nice things and run from the adults. Emma is 19 months going on 20 years. She has a vocabulary far beyond most kids her age, and is the most polite baby I've ever seen. She just runs around the house on her tip toes, giggling, and saying "please" and "thank you" for everything. Annabelle has grown into a very sweet little girl. She cares deeply for me and is trying hard to understand why all the children's books in the house now have bald grandmas on the cover. Please include her in your prayers as we try to explain the journey of cancer to her.

Thank you for all your comments and care. God bless!

What if green hair grows on my chest?

The title of this blog is from a Shel Silverstein poem I'm sure I read to my kids, but they're all convinced I made it up since they don't remember it. I was reminded of it today because we had another oncology appointment where we asked a lot of "What if?" questions. We found out that although there is no cancer in my adrenal glands, it is still considered Stage 4 since it is in my bones, so the plan for my treatment hasn't changed. I will still be getting two types of chemo and Avastin as we had discussed.

I talked with Dr. Segota about my family's desire that I get a second opinion today. She gave me great recommendations, and we've decided to postpone my first cycle of chemo until after I hear back from the doctors at Sloan-Kettering, which is known for excellence in its studies of lung cancer. She said there is no risk in such a slight delay in my treatment, and it is actually safer to wait because many studies won't accept me for participation if I've already begun chemotherapy. I called Sloan-Kettering this afternoon, and they have already been faxed much of my information, so hopefully I'll have an appointment there next week. Mackenzie and I are excited that we'll get a trip to New York City out of it! I'm pretty sure I deserve a vacation :-).

We met Dr. Segota's very personable nurse Debbie today, who explained much of what to expect during my treatment. I remember a lot from going through it with my mom, but it's a good review, and my family appreciated her information. My son Steve, who is a Naval hospital corpsman (or surgical tech), joined us at the appointment today, so he could enlighten me about all the scientific and more technical medical information when we were at lunch afterward. You'll just have to trust me that it was fascinating because I'm not even going to attempt to repeat the details he told us!

A few days ago, God placed a woman in my path who further boosted my outlook on my condition. Unfortunately, I never got her name, but she sat across from me as I waited for my nails to dry after a manicure. She told me that she has been living with cancer for three and a half years, after originally being given a six month estimate. The cancer is not completely eradicated from her body, but it has gotten much smaller, and she remains on a maintenance dose of chemo. She gave me great tips from her experience and gave me a whole new hope in considering my cancer. I had originally thought, I'm either going to be 100% cancer-free, or I will die from it, but now I see there is even another possibility. People live happy lives far beyond a terminal prognosis, not without cancer, but managing their cancer so that they can return to doing all the things they enjoy. So many people have told me stories of friends who received miraculous healing or who far outlived their prognosis, and I am so thankful for God's blessings on them. But it was so encouraging to meet one of these people face to face as she is going through it. I am thankful that she was willing to talk to me about what God is doing in her life.

After the appointment today, it's been fun times with Bob, Mackenzie, Steve, Dawn, Emma, Annabelle, and Addison! Dawn brought a bubble machine that was a big hit, and the kids fell in love with the built in camera on Mackenzie's Macbook. Getting them to sit still for a picture on the camera was another story completely!