Did ya miss me?

I know it's been a while since you've heard from me last, so I will catch you up on my recent health, which will also explain my break from blogging. The gamma knife surgery that was performed on my brain at the end of December was successful in stunting the growth of cancer in my brain, but since it is very strong localized radiation, it also had an effect on some of my cognitive abilities. I was warned of this side effect before the treatment, and also told that over time my brain would return to its normal functioning capacity. So for the few months after gamma knife, I have spent much of my time trying to remember why I entered whatever room I find myself in, what I was just talking about, and what day it is! A mild state of confusion has become the norm, but luckily for me, I have something to blame it on, unlike most of you poor fools my age! Beyond the memory loss and confusion brought on by gamma knife surgery, I have also recently experienced moderate hearing loss. All these elements have combined to create the perfect storm of mental fog for me. I went to an ear, nose, and throat specialist a few weeks ago who said most of my hearing loss is age related, but some of it may be a result of fluid in my ear canal. She ordered an MRI of my ear to confirm the presence of fluid, and if it is found, it can then be drained, improving my hearing a bit. Although all this has certainly been frustrating at times, overall my family and I have been patiently waiting on the Lord to restore my brain function and give us answers about my hearing, which He has been doing slowly.

I am warmed by those of you who have asked my family or me when to expect the next blog update because it reminds me that you are still praying for and supporting me. But the jumbled state of my brain lately has made it difficult to put together an articulate report for my avid followers to read. Each entry is a collaborative effort between myself and Mackenzie. We discuss the latest news in my life and what we want to get across in each posting, and then Mackenzie is the typist who carries my thoughts into cyberspace. But since I was having a great deal of trouble keeping track of daily events, these sessions with Mackenzie were difficult, and we thought it was best to wait until the fog lifted a bit to get back to online journaling. Thank you so much for continuing to remember me even as I took a break from putting myself in your thoughts with blogging. I am blessed beyond measure by your profuse love and support.

Today was a big day because Mackenzie and I came in for my new chemo (more on that later), and I kept telling Mackenzie and the nurse that I was sure I was supposed to be getting an infusion of my other medication, Zometa, as well. I get Zometa every four weeks, and Mackenzie and the nurse didn't believe me until they checked the dates in my medical records and saw that I was, in fact, due for Zometa today. The nurse had just forgotten to schedule it as an oversight. I think this is the first time I've been right about anything in a very long time! This is what convinced me my mind was sharp enough to start blogging again.

As I mentioned, I've started a new chemo because after my most recent scans, Dr. Segota noticed that although my lung and brain cancer are stable (Thank God!), the cancer in my bones is growing. The bone cancer is not a life threatening concern, but if it continues to grow, it could create pain for me which is why I've started a new chemo called Gemzar to try to stop its advancement. Unfortunately, Gemzar sometimes causes high fevers within the few days after treatment which I've experienced, but the tradeoff is that I no longer have to receive a Neulasta shot the day after chemo. Neulasta is an injection which is required after most chemo treatments to boost the white blood cell count. I always dreaded it because the shot feels like a 30 second bee sting, so I am thankful that this miniature torture is not necessary while I am receiving Gemzar. My main complaint is still fatigue. I take small walks to get exercise, but at times even simple showering wears me out so that I have to lay down afterward. I spend most of the day sleeping or resting, but in my waking hours, I love reading the thoughtful cards that continue to arrive almost daily from my dear friends.

But cards are just the tip of the iceberg of joy that God has been bringing into my life just as I've need it. I say this because you don't know true joy until you've seen "Barstools-on-Skis Races" on TV like Bob and I have. We happened upon the most hilarious sport in Wisconsin while channel surfing one day, and I have never been so proud of my midwestern roots. They are the wildest and most fun-spirited group in all of America, and watching their bizarre sports on the tube made me laugh so hard I was in pain - good pain. It really is the simple things in life that feed the soul.

Another simple pleasure is Annabelle's sleepovers which have become less frequent as my energy has decreased, but we still make a point to have a slumber party every few weeks. Annabelle loves the alone time with her grandparents, and last week she gave me some insight into just what makes it so special for her. As she was elbow deep in a bowl of extra chocolate cookie dough from a batch of treats Mackenzie was making, the sticky-faced darling confessed, "Gram, I really love sleepovers because I don't even have to share with my sisters!"

Erin got to visit another of my adorable princesses over spring break when she vacationed in Washington, DC, where Steve, Dawn, and Emma live. She sent plenty of pictures and email updates to me of their busy days jam-packed with parades, zoos, monuments, and lots of playtime. I've included some of the photos so you can ooh and aah over our beautiful family. Some days when I am feeling especially healthy, I start planning my own trips to visit Steve, Dawn, and Emma in DC or Mackenzie and Aaron in their new North Carolina home after they're married. Who knows what God has in store for my future? He may make me well enough to become quite the ardent traveler.

But for now I am thankful for each day as it comes. I am thankful He is faithfully restoring my brain to its condition before gamma knife surgery. I am thankful He has kept me free of chronic pain. I am thankful He recently allowed Annabelle to be accepted to Calvary Christian Academy so that she can have the right to learn about God in school. I am thankful He loves an undeserving sinner like me. I am thankful He loves me so much He sent His son Jesus who lived a perfect life to die for my sins. I am thankful Jesus conquered death by rising from the dead. And I am thankful that because of His love, I too will conquer death and join my Savior in heaven for all eternity because He paid the penalty for my sins. Because of His sacrifice, I am forgiven. A popular contemporary Christian song puts it this way:

"No guilt in life, no fear in death.
This is the power of Christ in me.
From life's first cry, to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny!"

What a wonderful God!