Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.

Avery Jayne Black born January 22, 2009


There is a special relationship between grandparents and grandchildren that is an instant bond of acceptance, healing, and laughter. The magic children feel in the presence of their grandparents is like a sprinkling of fairy dust. It fills them with the secret that they are the most enchanting creatures God has sent to the earth and the very fact that they exist is magnificent joy. I love to watch my granddaughters swing open the door to my house completely confident that they are ushering in a shower of sunlight and the Hallelujah chorus with them. They know that they are royalty in my eyes, and the adoration is mutual. The Bible says, "Children's children are the crown of the aged." I don't usually refer to myself as "the aged," but I can certainly identify with the rest of the proverb! My grandchildren are the beautiful, glorious rewards of my own parenting. They are like the lines that connect the dots in the picture of a family. I am so thankful to be alive to see God once again carry a part of me into a new generation. For the past few weeks, I have laid for hours at a time with tiny Avery asleep on my chest. What is it about newborn babies that makes them smell so good? She is a perfect gift from heaven, and Shannon has been wonderful enough to bring her three girls over often so I can get in my fill of cuddling and kisses. Annabelle even observed a family resemblance between Avery and me, since she came out bald, just like her grandma!

We were thankful to learn that the sample of spinal fluid extracted during my lumbar puncture tested negative for cancer. This doesn't guarantee that my spinal fluid is completely clear, but it is certainly a good sign that two out of two tests were not able to detect cancer. I am scheduled for another two rounds of chemotherapy, and will then undergo the routine scans in mid-March to check for any changes in my disease.

I'm still pretty tired most of the time, but Dr. Segota said I should start regaining energy since the treatment I'm on now does not have many aggressive side effects. While being out most of the day would still completely wipe me out, she said it would be good to get a little activity into my routine. This was great news for Mackenzie who has found plenty of reasons to get me out of the house for meetings with florists, dj's, photographers, and a flurry of wedding-related vendors!

With my somewhat unpredictable levels of energy, Bob and I have had to miss some weeks of Bible study on nights that I have felt particularly drained. Last Monday Bob called to let them know I was going to have to go to bed early so we would not be able to make it. I was very touched when our doting friends Buzz and Donna showed up after they left Bible study with some of my favorite comfort foods - including a delicious pea soup. A few days later, sweet MaryJo came by with a savory stew, and then again with a snuggly warm blanket she had made as a Valentine's Day gift. God has really put a special group of people into our lives.

Understandably, I have a growing curiosity in anything I can learn about heaven. The Bible gives a few hints about what awaits us, and some Christian writers have written fascinating books describing their extrapolations on what the Bible has told us. Bob has been reading to me from Joni Eareckson Tada's book called Heaven. The ideas she has on eternal life are beautiful. She is as inspirational a writer as she is a role model. If you are looking for some stimulating literature, I'd recommend her writings.

Thank you for your continued prayers. God bless!

The Times They Are A-Changin!

Well I'm sure you all understand my absence from writing the past few weeks since the holidays are busy for everyone, but this year has been especially exciting for us as we await Shannon's new baby - now three days overdue - and New Year's Eve ushered in a big change as (drumroll please) Mackenzie got engaged! That's right folks! My condolences to all you hopeful single men who have been waiting for your big opportunity, but my youngest daughter is officially off the market for good. And her fiance Aaron's creative proposal certainly put the other stories I've heard to shame. Aaron and Mackenzie met when they were both students at UF, but these days Aaron is working in North Carolina while Mackenzie cares for me here in Florida. Since Aaron was not in the area, he enlisted Mackenzie's best friend Laura to convince her to go see a showing of an independent film on New Year's Eve Laura said was made by a friend of a friend. Mackenzie spent the days leading up to New Year's offering more than a few protests about the "stupid" holiday plans. And if you know Mackenzie at all, she does not have a reputation for being the most bearable of dissenters. I still have to get pointers on how Laura managed this miracle, but she was able to win the battle and drag Mackenzie out to the movie theatre on New Year's Eve. When they had found their seats, the movie began, starting with Aaron on the big screen telling Mackenzie that he loved her and since he couldn't be with her on this holiday, he made a film reflecting on their relationship as a substitute. The movie recapped memories and showed his need for her in his life with a great deal of humor. A few moments after the show had ended, Aaron further surprised a tearful Mackenzie by appearing from backstage and bringing her to center stage where he proposed, in front of her friends who had been hiding in the back of the theatre. The romantic surprise was topped off with a champagne toast and a profusion of pictures.

We are thrilled that Mackenzie has found a God-fearing man who loves and appreciates all that is special about her. Aaron is in the process of interviewing at medical schools around the country, so they will be married this summer and will move near whichever school God reveals to them as His choice for their future. Then Mackenzie will get some use out of that BFA degree in musical theatre by auditioning for jobs at regional theatres in the area.

I am so thankful that God has given me another goal to work toward now that the birth of Shannon's baby is so near. I had asked you to join me in praying that I would live long enough to hold this new baby, and I have to admit that as Shannon's due date drew near, my physical and mental health began to deteriorate quickly. Without making a conscious decision to do so, I think I treated the baby's birth as an approaching deadline. I was joyful God had granted our request to let me see my granddaughter, but I had no major goal beyond that one to give me a strong desire to hold on. After the baby was born, I would be free to leave this life behind and join my Savior in heaven. But with Mackenzie and Aaron's big news, I now have a another momentous date I want to live to see! So I am asking you to pray with me once again - first praising the Good Lord for sustaining my life until now so that I can greet Shannon's precious child any day now, and then that He may continue to give me breath to see Mackenzie be married to Aaron. All the exciting changes coming in our family have already significantly buoyed my body and spirit.

I successfully underwent gamma knife surgery a few weeks ago and was completely exhausted the days following. With the metal frame bracing my head and four needles pushing through my skin and resting against my skull to ensure no movement during the procedure, I looked like I could have been the star of a science fiction movie. Dr. Grabel, the neurosurgeon, pinpointed eight cancer lesions on my brain and treated them with aggressive radiation. In about two months, I will undergo brain scans to determine the success of the treatment, which is statistically highly effective.

This week Dr. Segota has ordered an MRI of my spine to check the status of the cancer in my spinal fluid. If it has grown, the extent of its progress will be checked with a spinal tap, and then we will discuss the treatment necessary to ward off its continued spread. If the cancer in my spinal fluid is stable, then I will return to usual chemotherapy which treats the cancer in the rest of my body.

My sister Jody is back in town keeping me up too late talking and laughing again. It is really incredible how much God has blessed me with an ever-changing, ever-growing, always-loving family. I am a remarkably fortunate woman.

The future Mr. and Mrs. Webel!



The gamma knife torture frame complete with screws, and I'm still smiling!

It's a long and windy road

Our house is filled to the brim with family again since Steve's clan arrived to stay with us for Christmastime, and I love waking up each day to the sound of girlish giggles from little Emma. Mornings are usually difficult for me as I wake up feeling just as exhausted as when I went to bed which is an immediate reminder that I am still sick and it's going to be another day of wearying effort to accomplish the simplest of tasks. But when I slowly descend the stairs and am greeted by a perpetually bouncing delight of a granddaughter who beams, "Hi-ya Gram!" I am reminded that God is good. He is the Father of life, and He has given me a blissful one.

There have been some new developments in the cancer arena in the past few days which we are praying about and continuing to take one day at a time. We were called to meet with Dr. Segota for an unscheduled appointment after the results of my latest scans were received. She told us that the cancer in my lungs and bones has grown, which is to be expected since I have been going without treatment for almost two months, but more concerning is the fact that the MRI showed five new cancer sites in my brain. These cancer lesions have manifested themselves in noticeable physical symptoms, such as my recent inability to maintain balance or be steady on my legs. Since chemotherapy does not treat cancer in the brain, Dr. Segota said the only option for dealing with these new lesions would be a process called gamma knife surgery, which is actually not surgery at all, but extremely localized and concentrated radiation. The obstacle is that this treatment is generally administered to patients with many less lesions than I have in my brain. There is no evidence that gamma knife surgery yields any benefit in terms of life span or quality of life in patients with numerous lesions. However, since there is no other option for treating my brain, Dr. Segota has already set up an appointment for me Monday morning with a highly esteemed neurosurgeon who has extensive experience with gamma knife surgery. He will have to look at my case and decide whether this treatment is a reasonable possibility for me.

After that decision is made, we will have to make another decision regarding chemotherapy. Although the disease in my lungs and bones is progressing, the cancer in my brain has far greater bearing on my life span. It will continue to be a much more serious concern than the cancer in the rest of my body. So Dr. Segota said we will have to have a discussion about whether remaining on chemo is improving my quality of life, or whether its side effects are actually doing more harm to me than good for my body. But for now, we have set that issue on the back burner until we receive an answer about the possibility of gamma knife surgery.

So once again there has been a sudden turn in the road, and I am asking you to join me in prayer for myself, my family, and my doctors as we wait on the Lord to provide us with some critical answers. Thank you and God bless you.

My One Year Anniversary!

I know it's been a few weeks, but I promise I haven't kept you waiting much longer than I myself had to wait! At the end of last week Dr. Segota walked into the examination room where Bob, Mackenzie, and I waited for my appointment and said, "You will kill me when I tell you this." Luckily for her, she was wrong. When she told me that the lab for the clinical study had once again come up with inconclusive results about whether I qualified for the study, instead of killing her, I just stared at the wall while I tried to come up with a reaction. The past few weeks I had thought hundreds of times about what I would feel and do if the news was that I didn't qualify for the study. I thought about what my response would be if I did qualify. I never decided what my reaction would be if I once again received no answer! Dr. Segota understood my silence and told me she was disappointed and confused as well. After the last biopsy, we sent them the largest sample we could of my most densely cancerous tissue. So it seems that if the lab for the clinical trial cannot determine if I make the cut now, they'll never be able to know. Instead of waiting 2 to 3 more weeks hoping for different results, we've decided to go the chemo route with a drug called Alimta.

So here I sit back in my home away from home at the Holy Cross infusion ward catching up with the oncology nurses I haven't seen in a few months. It's hard to believe it's been a year since this enterprise began. December 13, 2007, was my general physical with Dr. Groene where I mentioned a little shortness of breath. Thankfully, my off-hand remark prompted her to order a chest x-ray which exposed my lung cancer, beginning one of the most monumental adventures of my life. And I praise God that I have yet to see an end in sight.

Day to day living has certainly become more wearying. I am far more fatigued, have little appetite, and simple tasks like writing, painting, or walking up the stairs have become irritatingly difficult. But God sends me all the blessings I need to keep my spirits up and my focus on Him. My sister Jody came back to play with me a couple weeks ago and we had a great time lunching on the town, telling family stories, and once or twice staying in our pajamas all day long! Jody helps to take care of a family of girls who recently lost their mother where she lives in Kentucky. So while she was here visiting, we bought a Christmas doll at Target that coos and sings and sucks her thumb for one of Jody's girls. Separate outfits for the doll were hung up next to it and we picked a cute one out so it would have two clothing options. Later in the afternoon, we stopped at a children's shop so I could find a treasure or two for my grandbabies, and we discovered that Jody's new doll was a perfect fit for the premature infant clothing. Not only were the premie outfits adorable, they were cheaper than the actual doll clothes! Now that Christmas doll has a bone fide wardrobe! And the original Target outfit went right back to the store! Having Jody around for a week of fun did a great deal to buoy me out of a heavyhearted funk I had been in while waiting for results from the clinical study. She has a talent for creating smiles.

If you've known me for some time, you know that my life has generally been characterized by a distinct "get-up-and-go" attitude. I enjoy being busy and active and usually have a myriad of projects going on at any given time. Especially as a mother of four, sitting around idly grew to feel eerily uncomfortable. But this time of resting in my life has given me a powerful understanding of my true significance. Even as I make the shift from the "get-up-and-go" gal to the woman shuffling from the bed to the couch, I have lost none of myself. My identity is found in Christ, in that in His astounding grace and mercy, He chose to save me and give me abundant eternal life, regardless of what my earthly restrictions may be. Galatians 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." I am continuing to learn more and more of the vast expanse of Christ's love for His children. Ephesians 3:16-19 contains a prayer of the apostle Paul for the church, "I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Christ's love for me is certainly beyond my understanding, but I am thankful for the enormous purpose and hope it gives me.

I pray that God is also showing you the magnitude of His love and the impact He can make in your life. He is truly the "Father of all compassion."

I have good news and bad news...

The good news is, a sample of my tissue was inspected for the clinical trial, and I was not disqualified! The bad news is, I have not qualified either. Dr. Segota's nurse Debbie called last week to tell us that there was not enough tissue sent to the test lab from my three previous biopsies to determine whether or not the specific mutation they are looking for is present. You can imagine my disappointment after waiting weeks for news and then receiving no answers. Debbie was sympathetic and regretful to be the bearer of bad news, but she asked me to come in for an appointment on Thursday where we could discuss the options that were left.

So this morning Bob, Mackenzie, and I headed down to Holy Cross Hospital to hear our choices and make some decisions. Like Debbie, Dr. Segota was disappointed and apologetic that the lab could not offer us conclusive results. It was a discouragement for all of us, but now we had to look at our options and choose the one we felt best about.

The first option would be to undergo another lung biopsy where they would make sure they gather enough tissue to receive a clear decision from the clinical study. Then we would again have to wait the two weeks while the tissue is tested and find out whether I qualify for the experimental treatment. Of course, the numbers are still the same. After examining the sample tissue, only 10% of candidates actually qualify for the study. But of those qualifiers, 70% of cases see their tumors shrink by about 25%, and life expectancy is significantly increased. I had to ask Dr. Segota to repeat those percentages a few times before I could actually follow the information!

The alternative is to return to chemotherapy using a different drug called Alimta. I could begin this treatment immediately. In 20% of cases, patients see their tumors shrink by 25%, and in 40% of cases, they see their cancer stabilize for about 2 months.

Of course, this isn't a decision with a clear right or wrong answer. There were numerous factors to consider, and pros and cons to each option. But when I turned to Bob and Mackenzie it was clear we were on the same page. I've never been a gambler, but I have always been a risk taker, and I think the risk to go a couple more weeks without treatment, undergo another biopsy, and send in my tissue for a long shot at the clinical trial is a risk worth taking. If the lab results show that cannot participate in the study, I will resume chemo with Alimta. But I would like to know if I qualify for the most promising option.

My lung biopsy is tomorrow at noon, so please be praying for that procedure and pray for the answers we will receive from it about my future treatment! Ultimately, God is in control and as we pray to Him, I know He will reveal His will for my journey.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow!

Well, it has happened again folks! I inspected my pillow about a week after I finished radiation, and determined that either a German Shepherd had been sharing my bed or my newly sprouted hair was again on its way out. It's back to bald and beautiful for me! Last night Annabelle had a sleepover at Gram's, and after her bath she came into my room where I opened my drawer and pulled out a brush to work on her tangles. After a minute of thought, she asked, "Gram, why do you even have brushes and combs?" I laughed and told her I hold on to them for her sleepovers.

I am slowly getting back to feeling like myself again after completing radiation. The skin on my head is red and irritated, much like a sunburn, and I've suffered some hearing loss which will likely repair itself in the coming weeks. But the most significant side effect is extreme fatigue which set in a few days after I began the treatment and has just started lessening this week, just in time to get up and throw on a wig to see Annabelle and Addison get baptized in church Sunday morning. Baptisms at our church are usually scheduled every few months so that groups can be baptized in a single service. We were very thankful that they were willing to work in an unscheduled baptism for my grandchildren at Shannon's request so that I could be there to see my them enter into the covenant family. When children are baptized at Coral Ridge, the entire congregation pledges to take part in nurturing them and training them up in faith. As I heard my church family take this oath, I was powerfully touched and reassured that the kids will be taken care of after I'm gone. It was a beautiful experience that reminded me of God's unfailing goodness and grace.

And then it was on to waffle mania! Erin hosted an elaborate celebratory brunch at our house complete with pumpkin waffles and apple maple syrup. She did a fantastic job, and we enjoyed having extended family and friends over to rejoice with us!

Steve accompanied Bob and me to meet with Dr. Segota last week since Mackenzie was visiting her boyfriend in North Carolina. But of course, she didn't leave without giving him explicit instructions on taking notes and asking questions according to her method. Because of his background with medicine in the Navy, Steve was great to have with us during yet another appointment filled with new information, because he could simplify the medical talk for me. Here's the latest news. Without a biopsy providing absolute proof of the cancer in my spine, they cannot treat the disease. Dr. Segota met with a team of doctors to discuss my case, and they decided the spinal area under suspicion is so precarious that attempting a biopsy might do more damage than good. Instead, they'd rather focus on treating the overall cancer as opposed to that specific region. My best option now is a clinical study which involves a daily oral treatment to impede the growth of the cancer. Roughly 10% of people in my situation have the specific mutating gene that is necessary for the study medication to work. So far Holy Cross Hospital has tested 8 candidates for the presence of this gene and none of them have had it. So they've sent off my tissue to be tested as well, and if it turns out that I qualify, I'll be quite the celebrity around the hospital! This clinical study has had great success in extending the life of its participants. We'll find out if I fit the bill in about a week, so please be praying that I do! If not, Dr. Segota said we will refocus on managing the systemic cancer, though we did not go into detail about what that would involve. With the amount of radiation I've received recently, she said it's best I take a few weeks off from any treatment anyhow.

After my last day of brain radiation, I brought the mask home that was used to bolt me to the metal bed for the procedure - just in time for Halloween! The grandkids have had a great time putting on the stiff mask and running around the house yelling, "Boo!" Terribly scary!

I have continued to be blessed by big-hearted people who take the time to remind me of their care. An elegant bouquet of lilies and irises was delivered to our door last week with a touching note from one of Mackenzie's best friends, Arianne. And my daughter-in-law Dawn brought me wonderful scrapbook pages she made with pictures of Steve's induction as a Naval Chief to add to my book because she knows how I love to show off his accomplishments. I also received an adorable card from a first grade class at Westminster Academy with a beautiful drawing on the front of what we are guessing is either a flower or a ladybug. Either way, it was cute and encouraging.

We have enjoyed the week we've had with Steve since his return from duty overseas. He came to collect Dawn, Emma, and their dog Barley who were staying with Dawn's parents in South Florida while he was gone. But unfortunately, their visit has to come to an end, and they are leaving before sunrise tomorrow to drive to their new home in Washington, DC where Steve has been restationed as Chief. I can really never find adequate words to say how proud I am of my son. I am saturated with joy every time I get to see him.

I'm getting ready to head over and say my goodbyes to Steve and co. I'll definitely be bringing my camera to take pictures of Ballerina Emma, and later Kitty Cat Annabelle and Minnie Mouse Addison at Shannon and John's house!

The results are in.

I know many of you have been diligently checking in for answers about my myriad of tests last week, and I am thankful for your concern. I needed some time to get used to the news myself before I was ready to pass it on, so thank you also for your patience. In my appointment last Tuesday, Dr. Segota was teary-eyed as she told my family that my condition has become significantly worse. The MRI of my spine showed free-floating cancer cells, meaning there is cancer in my spinal fluid, which was evidence that cancer would also be in my brain. Cancer appears in the spinal fluid through a process called drop down metastasis which is basically just what it sounds like. The cancer which originated in my lungs infected my brain and its surrounding cerebral fluid, which then dropped down into my spinal fluid, causing a formidable spread of malignancy throughout my body. The MRI of my brain confirmed what Dr. Segota already knew by showing 8 cancerous lesions in my brain. While the cancer in my lungs has remained stable, this surge in metastasis means the disease is strengthening and growing beyond the rate at which it can be treated. Surgery is often performed to remove brain cancer in cases of up to 4 or 5 lesions, but since my brain has rapidly developed 8 lesions, the only option is daily radiation of my entire brain. This will kill the areas of cancer growth and sterilize the rest of my brain so that baby cancer cells cannot develop. Dr. Segota said that in the future I will also likely receive chemo directly into my spine as opposed to the usual systemic chemo in order to impede the cancer growth in my spinal fluid. Of course receiving all of this information in a span of a few minutes set my head spinning as a flood of thoughts, questions, and emotions washed over me. Dr. Segota had the unenviable responsibility of having to tell us the bottom line of all this information is that, statistically speaking, it shortens the amount of time I have left with my loved ones on earth. You know that my hope has been to greet Shannon's new baby in January, which Dr. Segota sorrowfully said will be unlikely considering the growth of my cancer. But she added that most people with stage 4 lung cancer are no longer alive at this point. I have beaten the odds already, and God may allow me to do it again. We will have to wait and trust in the wisdom of His sovereignty.

Wednesday I had my first appointment with Dr. Irina Grosman, my oncologist for radiation. She gave me a thorough examination and sympathetically rubbed my arm as she further explained my situation and the treatment I will undergo. She seems as sweet and capable as Dr. Segota, and I feel fortunate that I love both of my doctors.

So Friday I got my introduction to radiation therapy. As you can imagine, in the process of treating my entire brain, it is imperative that sensitive areas like my eyes are not unnecessarily affected. The way this is avoided is by molding a personalized, incredibly tight-fitting mask that is placed over my neck and face as I lay on the metal bed for radiation. The mask is then bolted into the bed so that my head cannot move and they can ensure that I am in exactly the same position every time I receive treatment so that radiation never affects areas of my head and neck that are not meant to be treated. The mask is porous so breathing is easy, but it is certainly strange to hear footsteps around my bed and not be able to turn my head to see who is in the room with me. Thankfully, I only wear the mask for about 5 minutes per day, which is how long it takes to receive my radiation. During the process, I don't feel a thing, although as soon as they turn the great machine on, I can distinguish a sort of burning odor. I actually know what it smells like to fry my brains!

Such a drastic advancement in my disease was certainly not the report I was hoping to hear from Dr. Segota, and as I tried to focus on her words through a tempest of thoughts, and as I saw Mackenzie diligently recording scribblings in her notebook like, "disease significantly worsening," "probable loss of cognitive abilities," and "daily radiation" - I felt like I had been sideswiped. I was run off the road and flipped upside down by a truck I never saw coming. I thought I knew the path I was on. My cancer was stable and I was on a break from chemo until the day we would see some growth in my tumors. Then we would resume chemo. I know chemo. I'm comfortable with chemo. Radiation was never a possibility. I didn't want to meet new nurses and new doctors and face this new adversary of brain cancer. I wanted to cry. And so I did. I cried and I slept and I stayed in my pajamas for five days. And my family let me.

Then Monday morning I awoke renewed. My pastor Dr. Kennedy used to always respond to the conversational, "How are you?" with the same profound answer: "Far better than I deserve." And that's how I felt. Lung cancer, bone cancer, brain cancer - whatever afflicts me - I am incomprehensibly loved by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and I am blessed. I think it's OK to give in to our tears for a time, and I am not afraid to let myself do it, because I know each time I've been sideswiped in life, the Lord comes alongside me and pulls me out of the muck. I realized I had Monday to take Dawn and energetic Emma to lunch. I had Tuesday to make Halloween cookies with Shannon, Annabelle, and Addison. And I had Wednesday to paint with Erin. I have always taken the most pleasure in the day-to-day business of living, and God is still giving me days filled with my little joys.

I also have a lot to be thankful for in the ways God has chosen to answer many of your prayers. My neck pain that has plagued me for months has gone from a 10 to a 1 on a scale of pain. We never found the cause of the pain, but it was the reason Dr. Segota ordered MRIs of my spine which revealed the growth in my cancer. If it wasn't for the neck pain, we would not have known about the cancer in my brain and spinal fluid until after I was suffering the painful effects of this metastasis. When the last of my MRIs was completed, the constant pain in my neck vanished. Amazing the way God works, isn't it?

I am also thankful that I have not yet experienced the severe headaches and backaches that typically accompany cancer in the brain and spine. God has protected me from these symptoms thus far, and I'm asking you to pray that He will continue to do so. From what my nurses tell me, it's pretty incredible that I am practically asymptomatic for the amount of cancer that has filled my body.

So although the news about my cancer is different than what I had hoped to hear, I am consoled by the knowledge that God is always in control and His purposes are always for the good of those who love Him. I am confident in His promises and in the truth that I am still living "far better than I deserve."

It is better to be patient, than it is to become one :)

Well this time around there is much to report on the cancer front. As I told you, my chronic neck pain prompted Dr. Segota to request an MRI of my upper spine to check for nerve compression caused by tumor growth. We’ve been aware that I have cancer in my lower spine and pelvic region, but my complaints of neck pain suggested the disease may have spread. The three MRI images taken Tuesday showed no cancer in the area they examined, but raised suspicions about cancer just lower on my spine than the pictures had captured. So I returned for an MRI of my entire spine. After this test, Dr. Segota called me and explained that they haven’t necessarily found confirmation of cancer growth in my spine, but the results they’ve been getting are leading her to ask for even more testing. It is possible that there are free-floating cancer cells in my spinal fluid, so she ordered a spinal tap, which I underwent this morning. She also ordered an MRI of my brain because lung cancer that has metastasized is most commonly first spread to the lymph nodes and brain. When we did the original round of tests nearly nine months ago, my lymph nodes had, in fact, already been infected, but I was fortunate in that my brain had been spared at that point. Dr. Segota ordered the MRI of my brain to see if we are still fortunate in that area. If not, we will have to discuss new treatment options. In addition to all these tests, I also underwent a bone scan and a CTscan to check all the sites of my cancer for changes. We are meeting with Dr. Segota tomorrow morning to discuss the results of the complete set of tests. Please be praying for wisdom and thoroughness in the technicians and doctors who will be deciphering the information they receive. And pray for my family and myself as we receive their reports.

The litany of medical examinations in the past week has been wearing on me, but I think this is the part I find more taxing. I’m not usually characterized as a pillar of patience. I like things to move! I feel very helpless knowing all I can do is wait until God gives me answers about my future at the appointment with Dr. Segota. I am constantly thinking about it. Practically nothing works to take my mind off the impending news, except politics! The two hours I spent riled up in front of the TV during the presidential debate while Mackenzie shushed me every few minutes was a fantastic blessing to me because after it had ended, I realized I hadn’t given a moment’s thought to the results of my tests! I was too busy running the country! But for the times when I’m not prescribing the solutions for all the world’s problems to our political leaders, please pray that God grants me peace, patience, and distractions!

On the family front, Bob and I had a wonderful time of closeness and relaxation in Naples on the Gulf coast for our anniversary. I was able to find an adorable “grandma store” where we bought an abundance of stocking stuffers and charming treasures. When we returned from our trip, Bob and I were finally able to get together with our good friends Bryan and Norma to party! They never disappoint with the amount of laughs they deliver, and I don’t think Bob disappointed with his homemade chocolate cake either. A few days later, I had a five hour lunch date with girlfriends that I have been close with for over thirty years where we beamed and bragged about our grandbabies. It’s amazing to think of the changes in our topics of conversation at these lunches over the past three decades of our lives.

Bob’s mother Bea was able to visit from New York and brought beautiful handmade doilies which are now adorning several tables around my house. She couldn’t believe how much Annabelle has grown and was entertained by the liveliness of Addison and Emma. She asked a few times just how many people actually live at our house!

Shannon and Mackenzie’s grade school alma mater had a fine arts benefit concert last Monday night, and Mackenzie was asked to sing a number for a segment of the show they had entitled, “The Divas of Westminster,” reprising her title role from the school play five years ago, Hello, Dolly! Annabelle loves to see her aunt on stage so Bob and I brought her along for the night to watch Mackenzie flirt with the audience and belt out her song with back-up from the boys of Westminster’s honor choir. Annabelle was star-struck as she watched a talented little girl sing “Tomorrow” from Westminster’s production of Annie, but of course, my unbiased opinion is that Mackenzie was the hit of the show!

Bob and my kids tell me daily about friends who ask about me, and every time I feel encouraged. It is wonderful to know people are still thinking of me. I appreciate your prayers and know God is working through you in my life.

Taking the City by Storm (Again!)

Well the party's over. My daughters very tactfully pointed out that it has become hard to tell the difference between Bob's legs and mine. Apparently, God is giving me back the hair I lost tenfold! Time to bite the bullet and start shaving again!

One of the places I never grow tired of visiting is New York City, so over Labor Day weekend, when the workers of the family had a few days to spare, we jetted off for five days of fun! Bob and I brought the three girls - Erin, Shannon, and Mackenzie (unfortunately the Navy had other plans for Steve) - and had a vacation I find myself wishing I could repeat. It's not often we get to see Shannon apart from her toddler twosome, so it was particularly special to get some quality time with my middle daughter. Especially because this was her first time in the Big Apple! We made sure she got the full experience, from Lady Liberty to Tavern on the Green to Broadway. And she did all of it while 5 months pregnant and never voicing a complaint about the miles we covered on foot. In fact, I was very thankful that both she and I held up so well during such a busy adventure. I had plenty of energy to enjoy seeing my family take in the endless spectacles that fill the bustling island. Before we left for our excursion, Annabelle was curious about our destination, so we described to her the city filled with towering skyscrapers and enormous flashing lights. The next day, as she and her mother drove into downtown Fort Lauderdale with its dozen or so buildings just over 10 stories, Annabelle's eyes lit up and she gasped, "Mom! Look! New York City!" We took a few pictures from the top of the Empire State Building while we were gone to give her a better idea of the heights we were describing. All in all, the trip was perfect. Don't you wish we never had to return from vacations?

We had to come back though, and it took me a couple days in bed to recuperate. The fight against my cancer does occasionally get the better of me. My physical abilities have noticeably decreased which has been the cause of a few tears. Beyond that, fall is a bittersweet time of reflection for me. This Sunday our church is having a commemorative service for our minister, Dr. Kennedy, who passed away a year ago. The anniversary of my mother's death is also approaching. And it was about a year ago I remember getting the call that my sister Jeannie had suffered her first stroke, marking the beginning of the end in her battle against esophageal cancer. I am so thankful that these three people who meant the world to me all had personal relationships with Jesus Christ, and I can be confident of a reunion with them in heaven. But regardless of the sweet reward I know they are experiencing, deaths are always sad for those of us left behind. This was the most difficult aspect for me to accept in coming to terms with the possibility of my own impending death. I hate to think of leaving my children and grandchildren behind. I hate to think they won't have a matriarch for advice and to share in their future joys. But I know that the God my family serves will continue to be with them, so I am comforted to know they will never be without love and guidance. In 3 John 1:4 the Bible says, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth." I know God has helped me to raise four God-fearing children, and that is truthfully my greatest joy.

But as I spend time in reflection each fall, I not only consider the losses, but the life-changing blessings the autumn months have brought. Bob and I will be celebrating our nine year anniversary in a few days! And before we head off to Naples for the occasion, I am busily sewing birthday dresses for Annabelle and Addison - two more of the blessings fall delivered. I need to get them both finished before Annabelle's mermaid-themed party this weekend, and Addison's Mickey Mouse-themed party a few weeks later. And speaking of Shannon's girls...have I mentioned she's going to have another? That's right folks! Whittle down your list of A-names to be feminine gender specific! We're always looking for suggestions!

I am so thankful for those of you who continue to check-in with the blog even while I've been less consistent in posting. I can't tell you how much it bolsters my spirit to know I have constant allies to support me. In fact, I have specific prayer requests I'd like you to bring before the Lord with me. I have been suffering from neck pain that limits my mobility and causes chronic discomfort. Dr. Segota said she doubts it is related to the cancer in my spine, but gave me suggestions to alleviate the pain, and asked me to monitor it. Over the past few weeks, the aching has increased which I will mention in my appointment with her this week. She may have to refer me another doctor for this problem. I am asking you all to pray that my neck pain disappears, either by God working through medicine or on His own. I also have a prayer request dealing with my future. Please join me in praying that God allows me to live long enough to spend time with my new granddaughter after her birth in January. You all know the pride and joy my grandbabies bring me, and I spend so much of my time thinking of this new one I have yet to meet. I want to hold her and smell her and kiss the top of her head as she lays on my chest. I want to be able to tell her how much Jesus and Grandma love her. So please fuse your prayers with mine in this expressly sensitive request.

That is all for now. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers and on your hearts. God bless!

Return of the Jayne

The guilt over my three week blog hiatus has built up, and I have returned! The main reason for the extended writing break is that my condition has been so stable, there's not much to report on the cancer front. I'm still feeling much better than when I was on chemo, with just a little less energy than a completely healthy person. Although I'm off chemotherapy, my mind still feels somewhat trapped in that fog of "chemo brain." I've been doing my usual painting of sugar bowls, jewelry boxes, and other tiny treasures, but it takes me much longer to come up with creative designs to cover my canvas when artistic inspiration used to come naturally to me. But these minor setbacks have done little to interfere with my quality of life.

In fact, I'm really enjoying a slower pace of life these days. Considering that I may have little time left on earth has caused me to stop and smell the roses instead of trying to pack in sensational experiences. When my sister Jeannie learned she had terminal esophageal cancer, one of her first comments was, "I'm letting the dog in the house." Her lovable collie had spent its days frolicking the farm grounds, but was always stopped short at the front door to the house to keep his mud-soaked coat from dirtying her beautiful new home. A pristine domicile suddenly couldn't compare with snuggling with her furry buddy on the couch.

I've finally gotten around to cleaning out my disastrous craft closet. (My family often replaces the word craft with another cra- word when referring to my cluttered area of knicknacks, paintbrushes, glue guns and the like.) And instead of just cleaning house, reminiscing over the forgotten inventory of the closet has become my main focus. Old family pictures, gifts from my sisters, and old projects I had made for my children when they were young were hidden in the mess. This major cleaning project has actually been a great blessing to me in the deluge of memories brought with it. It was also a blessing for the other ladies in my weekly art class since I brought in enough gently used art supplies for their taking to make it like Christmas in August!

My hair is still steadily returning in a particularly unusual pattern. I look like I'm donning a yamaka at all times. Dark grey hair is filling in the crown of my scalp, which gradually fades to white in all directions. So since my head hair isn't exactly growing in as illustriously as I had hoped, I'm more excited about the eye-framing lashes that are returning. Mascara isn't a total waste on me anymore!

There has been big anticipation in our household the past few months over the new SuperTarget which was opening on the corner of our neighborhood. The big day arrived at the end of July, and I think Annabelle may have been the most excited of any of us to get to the grand opening. As soon as she saw the legion of over-stuffed toy aisles, she was scheming of a money making plan to increase her piggy bank funds, and the lemonade stand sale was set for Sunday. In the 95 degree heat, we were fortunate to be set up under a sprawling tree which provided shade as we refreshed passing-by customers. In just one hour, Annabelle's dimples and pigtails earned her over $50! We are thinking of renting her cuteness out to friends in monetary need for a very reasonable fee. Profits aside, it was a beautiful day to spend outside sharing homemade lemonade and smiles with friends and strangers alike.

And now for the biggest news! (Drumroll please) After multiple applications, a peer review, and meeting rigorous criteria, my son Steve has been accepted for training for the position of Chief Petty Officer in the United States Navy. We are overjoyed and immeasurably proud of him! This is one of the highest rankings an enlisted member of the Navy can achieve. It is a recognition of his consistently commendable service over the past seventeen years and a great military honor. We are certainly not surprised that he was chosen - I've always known Steve is the best of the best - but we are thrilled to see God reward his exemplary character with this prestigious promotion. To add to Steve and Dawn's blessings, they were also able to sell their house in Virginia this week as they have been restationed in Great Lakes, Illinois. Dawn, Emma, and their dog Barley will be returning to South Florida for an extended stay after Steve heads out to sea at the end of the month until their move to Illinois around Christmas time. I'm looking forward to spoiling Emma rotten!

That's the bulk of the news around here. I'll continue to ask for your prayers, and thank you for your steadfastness in support. You continue to amaze me!