He who believes has everlasting life.

Thank you all for sharing with us your memories of my mother, and your prayers for her and us. Jayne passed away peacefully yesterday afternoon with Bob and her sister Jody at her side, and joined her Savior in heaven. Although we are mourning our loss here on earth, we are also joyful that my mother is now with Jesus in eternal paradise, where there are no more tears and no more suffering. Praise God for His mercy and love!

Thank you for loving and supporting her through her journey the past two years. The responses she received from you on this online journal were some of her greatest blessings during her struggle. I'll leave you with my mother's words from one of the first blog entries she posted.
-Mackenzie

"In the end, should God choose to rescue me, I want all glory to be His. Medical odds are against me, but the one true God is on my side. Whether He chooses to save me by taking me home to be with Him in heaven, or by providing me the removal of cancer from my earthly body, I pray that people will see that against insurmountable odds, my Lord came to my side and saw me through this. I am not afraid of the battle that lies ahead, because I have the assurance of a winning outcome either way. I wish that same certainty for everyone. The Lord Jesus Christ saved my soul long ago, and I have no reason to fear."



Memorial arrangements have been made to honor my mother. An open-house visitation will be at Kraeer-Becker Funeral House, Deerfield Beach, Fl, on Friday, Nov. 20, 2009 from 4 to 8 p.m. A memorial service will be held Saturday, Nov. 21, 2009 at 1 p.m. at Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church, Fort Lauderdale, Fl. In lieu of flowers, we are asking that donations be made in Jayne's name to the Hope Womens Center of Ft. Lauderdale, www.friendsofhope.com (formerly the Hope Pregnancy Center, an organization Jayne helped start which provides support to women in crisis pregnancies).

For God So Loved the World

Hello all. It's just Mackenzie writing this time. My mom and I usually collaborate on these blog posts, but I wanted to let you all know what's going on now.

On Tuesday, October 13th, Bob took my mom to the emergency room after a difficult weekend because her usual medications had become ineffective in managing her pain. Her lower spine and legs have been aching lately, restricting her to a wheelchair, but the pain steadily grew in intensity until she was having fits of tears even though her dosage of pain alleviators was increased. In the hospital, she was given strong intravenous medications and a Fentanyl patch to relieve her agony. The pain is a result of the cancer's growth in her spinal cord which now means it is attacking her nerves. As devoted and thoughtful as always, Dr. Segota called me at work in North Carolina last week to explain the situation to me. Because of the blood-brain barrier, conventional chemotherapy cannot treat the cancer in my mother's brain and spinal cord. To address this cancer, she would have to undergo neurosurgery to have a hole cut in her skull where chemo could be administered directly to her brain and spine. However, my mother has become very weak and fragile over the past few months, and it is unlikely she could withstand such an aggressive treatment plan. She has said numerous times in the past that radical treatment of the metastases in her brain and spine was not a path she wanted to go down.

So Bob, Steve, Erin, Shannon, and I made the decision to bring her home and put her in hospice care. Steve, Dawn, and Emma picked up my husband Aaron and I on their way down from Washington, DC, last Friday morning so we could be in Florida with my mother. A hospital bed has been set up in the living room here where she can rest. She spends more time sleeping than awake, and she's not always lucid, but she was very happy to have all of her kids around her last weekend. Erin said when she told my mom Steve was coming to see her on Friday, her only question every twenty minutes that day was when Steve would be there. Of course Erin replied, "What am I? Chopped liver?" :)

The rest of my caravan (Steve, Dawn, Emma, and Aaron) had to return home on Monday, but my work has been wonderfully understanding, and I am able to be here with my mom until Saturday. I'm so thankful to have this week with her. We've been watching home videos, playing her favorite Christmas CDs, and looking through old pictures. As I said, she spends most of her time sleeping, and she is not very responsive, but when she does give you a reaction, it's usually a smile or a laugh, which is characteristic of who she's always been. But she has said more than once that she's ready to go Home. And thankfully, we've had almost two years to prepare to let her go.

A friend that my mom has always held dear to her heart, Patsy Harlow, stopped by the other day to visit. She told us my mom probably doesn't realize the impact she had on her life, but she will always remember her, because my mom was the first person to invite Patsy's family over to dinner when they were new at our church. It's not a big thing, but I have heard this same sort of story about my mom over and over because that is exactly who my mom is. She is a welcomer and an acceptor. My mom probably holds some sort of record for the number of dinner parties she's hosted in her lifetime. She wanted everyone she met to know they had met a friend and they had a place they were welcomed and wanted. And if you've known her long enough, you know this is a characteristic that was magnified when she became a Christian almost thirty years ago. The realization that she was loved and accepted by a perfect God despite all her imperfections filled her with a gratitude that spilled out to everyone around her. She wanted to share her discovery of joy, and she did. We were often joined on Christmas or Easter by friends my mom had invited because she knew they might have otherwise spent those days alone. She even spent days and nights visiting acquaintances in their homes telling them about this loving God who could fill their lives with meaning and true happiness. She volunteered at Hope Pregnancy Center counseling girls who thought they had made unforgivable mistakes so that she could share with them the truth that there was nothing they could do to make God not want them.

That's another thing that's so special about my mom. She volunteered with those girls at the pregnancy center because she had been in their position, and she always uses her experiences of suffering to help and comfort others. Most people are floored when they hear of all the hardships my mom has overcome in her short life, especially if they've known her for a while before they learn about all she's been through. There is no challenge great enough to break my mother's spirit because God has blessed her with an eternal perspective - the attitude of Paul in Romans 8:18 when he wrote, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the Glory that will be revealed in us." She knows the first chapter of James which says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance," and she lives by it. Every struggle she faces is another opportunity to grow in the perseverance of her faith and reach out to more people in similar situations that she may help with the good news of Jesus's love. When I was in middle school, my mom, sisters and I lived in a small apartment where I had to share a room with my mother. (Hardly an ideal situation for a teenager!) But I remember women calling our house in the middle of the night in tears because they had found out their husbands were being unfaithful or they were having marital problems they felt almost no one would understand. Most of the time, they had never even met my mother, but were given her number by someone who knew she could relate. Even though my mom was working from 8-5 every day and raising her kids alone, she would sit on the phone with these distressed women as long as it took for them to feel that they were not alone and that there was hope even in their terrible situation.

The powerful love of Jesus Christ is so real in my mother's life, it has become her own reason for loving. She loves because Christ loves her. And because the Lord's compassions are new every morning, so are my mother's. This blog is another facet of this unstoppable desire God has put in her. She will never stop finding ways to reach out and show the love and compassion and mercy that has been shown to her. Almost as soon as she learned of her diagnosis, my mom was thinking of ways she could help people know Christ and find hope through her latest struggle. Her reasons for starting this blog were twofold. The primary reason was so that everyone following it would read the good news of Jesus Christ, which is this: "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." We humans are sinful beings, incapable of being good enough to spend eternity with a perfect God. In fact, we deserve nothing short of eternal death. But God loves us so much that He laid our sins upon His perfect son Jesus so that when Jesus died, He paid that death penalty for our sins. Jesus received what we deserved in our place, and after three days, He rose again from the dead, and is now with His Father in heaven waiting to greet all who believe in Him when they leave this earth. It's as simple as that. My mom's second purpose for the blog was to let her readers know that with Christ, there is always hope and joy even in times of struggle. When you know that God is good and He works for the good of those who love Him, you can appreciate the lows as much as the highs because they are all evidences of His love. Though we all face obstacles, God is faithful to send joy in the midst of every affliction, but you have to know Him to recognize these gifts. One of the most basic blessings God gives us is each other. My mom wanted people to read her entries and know that they're not alone. Sometimes that's all it takes to feel comforted.

Reverend Kalehoff came by today to visit with my mom and he read a passage of Scripture to her from 2 Corinthians that sums up what my mom's relationship with the Lord is all about. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." Even as my mom lays on her hospital bed in our living room, hooked up to an oxygen tank, with around-the-clock hospice care watching over her, she wants to be the one comforting others. She perks up with every guest that comes to see her and gives them a smile to let them know they're welcome and she's happy they've come. I know she wants them to feel better leaving than they did coming in, and I think she's been successful.

The question everyone is asking me is, "How long does she have left?" And the answer is that I haven't the faintest idea. Each day is different and she seems to do better or worse depending on the hour. The time she will enter eternal paradise was determined by God long ago and He will be faithful to carry out His perfect plan for her. I am just thankful I have this week to spend with my mother, my hero, while she is still here with us.

If you have the urge to come see her, please don't feel uncomfortable doing so. My mom loves to have company! Just call Bob before you come so he can be sure she gets a good amount of rest between visitors. Please continue your prayers for her peace and comfort, as well as prayers for the rest of us who are preparing to temporarily say goodbye until we meet her again in heaven. I'll try to keep you updated on my mom's condition as is necessary. I know she and my whole family join me in thanking you for your commitment to prayer and support for us.

God bless you all!

Reasons to Celebrate

I'm hoping it's true what they say about absence making the heart grow fonder, because if it is, you are all probably completely infatuated with me after this three month hiatus! I have again learned that preparing for a wedding is no romantic undertaking. It is a full-time, unpaid job, which gives real meaning to the phrase "a LABOR of love." But all of our earnest planning produced an extraordinarily beautiful and memorable day. Mackenzie and Aaron's wedding was perfect. And I was able to take a week off from chemo and get some extra rest so that I could really cut a rug all night at the reception. I had no inhibitions on the dance floor because when you've got cancer, no one makes fun of your moves even if you look more pitiful than Elaine from "Seinfeld!" I honestly wish I could have invited everyone we know to come and enjoy the celebration, but our checkbook had no compassion for my wish. But of course, I've included pictures of the wedding so you can get a taste of the experience. If you'd like to see the professionals, go to munozphotographyonline.com, click on online ordering, and type in the password 7511.

It was wonderful to be surrounded with family and friends! I especially love the occasions that bring all my children together. There is a fifteen year span in ages between them so there were only a few short years when I had all of them living under the same roof with me. Since then, there has always been one or more away at college or working in a different town, state, or even country. But the love between us all is exceptionally strong and I know they cherish the moments we are able to spend together as much as I do. I was so proud and blessed to again see the way my kids adore one another and share in each other's joys during the week of the wedding.

And now we've returned to our everyday life. I underwent another PET scan and brain scan which showed no significant change in my condition since March, which is great news! In fact, Dr. Segota said the scans showed slightly less cancer in my brain than in previous tests! She and her staff acknowledged the role of God in my journey as I have now well outlived the typical prognosis of patients with stage 4 lung cancer. Thank you for remembering me in your prayers!

Since I am doing so well, Bob and I decided to celebrate by doing something we weren't sure would be possible until we heard these good medical reports. We booked our plane tickets to go see Chief Steve, Dawn, and Emma in Washington, DC, and then drive down to visit the newlyweds Aaron and Mackenzie in Chapel Hill, NC. I haven't taken a trip in over a year and I'm so excited to see my darlings!

Annabelle was over for a sleepover last week where we went to the movie Ice Age, ate popcorn and sour gummy worms, gave ourselves manicures, and painted with water colors. She is really an accomplished painter. I take a lot of pride in her gift for artistry because I can't help but think it's a gene I passed down to her which makes her a literal part of myself.

I hope there are a few of you out there who are still checking in on this blog every now and again, and if you are, please let me know! I'd love to see a comment from you so I can know who is praying for me and can thank God for each of you, and pray for you in return!

Did ya miss me?

I know it's been a while since you've heard from me last, so I will catch you up on my recent health, which will also explain my break from blogging. The gamma knife surgery that was performed on my brain at the end of December was successful in stunting the growth of cancer in my brain, but since it is very strong localized radiation, it also had an effect on some of my cognitive abilities. I was warned of this side effect before the treatment, and also told that over time my brain would return to its normal functioning capacity. So for the few months after gamma knife, I have spent much of my time trying to remember why I entered whatever room I find myself in, what I was just talking about, and what day it is! A mild state of confusion has become the norm, but luckily for me, I have something to blame it on, unlike most of you poor fools my age! Beyond the memory loss and confusion brought on by gamma knife surgery, I have also recently experienced moderate hearing loss. All these elements have combined to create the perfect storm of mental fog for me. I went to an ear, nose, and throat specialist a few weeks ago who said most of my hearing loss is age related, but some of it may be a result of fluid in my ear canal. She ordered an MRI of my ear to confirm the presence of fluid, and if it is found, it can then be drained, improving my hearing a bit. Although all this has certainly been frustrating at times, overall my family and I have been patiently waiting on the Lord to restore my brain function and give us answers about my hearing, which He has been doing slowly.

I am warmed by those of you who have asked my family or me when to expect the next blog update because it reminds me that you are still praying for and supporting me. But the jumbled state of my brain lately has made it difficult to put together an articulate report for my avid followers to read. Each entry is a collaborative effort between myself and Mackenzie. We discuss the latest news in my life and what we want to get across in each posting, and then Mackenzie is the typist who carries my thoughts into cyberspace. But since I was having a great deal of trouble keeping track of daily events, these sessions with Mackenzie were difficult, and we thought it was best to wait until the fog lifted a bit to get back to online journaling. Thank you so much for continuing to remember me even as I took a break from putting myself in your thoughts with blogging. I am blessed beyond measure by your profuse love and support.

Today was a big day because Mackenzie and I came in for my new chemo (more on that later), and I kept telling Mackenzie and the nurse that I was sure I was supposed to be getting an infusion of my other medication, Zometa, as well. I get Zometa every four weeks, and Mackenzie and the nurse didn't believe me until they checked the dates in my medical records and saw that I was, in fact, due for Zometa today. The nurse had just forgotten to schedule it as an oversight. I think this is the first time I've been right about anything in a very long time! This is what convinced me my mind was sharp enough to start blogging again.

As I mentioned, I've started a new chemo because after my most recent scans, Dr. Segota noticed that although my lung and brain cancer are stable (Thank God!), the cancer in my bones is growing. The bone cancer is not a life threatening concern, but if it continues to grow, it could create pain for me which is why I've started a new chemo called Gemzar to try to stop its advancement. Unfortunately, Gemzar sometimes causes high fevers within the few days after treatment which I've experienced, but the tradeoff is that I no longer have to receive a Neulasta shot the day after chemo. Neulasta is an injection which is required after most chemo treatments to boost the white blood cell count. I always dreaded it because the shot feels like a 30 second bee sting, so I am thankful that this miniature torture is not necessary while I am receiving Gemzar. My main complaint is still fatigue. I take small walks to get exercise, but at times even simple showering wears me out so that I have to lay down afterward. I spend most of the day sleeping or resting, but in my waking hours, I love reading the thoughtful cards that continue to arrive almost daily from my dear friends.

But cards are just the tip of the iceberg of joy that God has been bringing into my life just as I've need it. I say this because you don't know true joy until you've seen "Barstools-on-Skis Races" on TV like Bob and I have. We happened upon the most hilarious sport in Wisconsin while channel surfing one day, and I have never been so proud of my midwestern roots. They are the wildest and most fun-spirited group in all of America, and watching their bizarre sports on the tube made me laugh so hard I was in pain - good pain. It really is the simple things in life that feed the soul.

Another simple pleasure is Annabelle's sleepovers which have become less frequent as my energy has decreased, but we still make a point to have a slumber party every few weeks. Annabelle loves the alone time with her grandparents, and last week she gave me some insight into just what makes it so special for her. As she was elbow deep in a bowl of extra chocolate cookie dough from a batch of treats Mackenzie was making, the sticky-faced darling confessed, "Gram, I really love sleepovers because I don't even have to share with my sisters!"

Erin got to visit another of my adorable princesses over spring break when she vacationed in Washington, DC, where Steve, Dawn, and Emma live. She sent plenty of pictures and email updates to me of their busy days jam-packed with parades, zoos, monuments, and lots of playtime. I've included some of the photos so you can ooh and aah over our beautiful family. Some days when I am feeling especially healthy, I start planning my own trips to visit Steve, Dawn, and Emma in DC or Mackenzie and Aaron in their new North Carolina home after they're married. Who knows what God has in store for my future? He may make me well enough to become quite the ardent traveler.

But for now I am thankful for each day as it comes. I am thankful He is faithfully restoring my brain to its condition before gamma knife surgery. I am thankful He has kept me free of chronic pain. I am thankful He recently allowed Annabelle to be accepted to Calvary Christian Academy so that she can have the right to learn about God in school. I am thankful He loves an undeserving sinner like me. I am thankful He loves me so much He sent His son Jesus who lived a perfect life to die for my sins. I am thankful Jesus conquered death by rising from the dead. And I am thankful that because of His love, I too will conquer death and join my Savior in heaven for all eternity because He paid the penalty for my sins. Because of His sacrifice, I am forgiven. A popular contemporary Christian song puts it this way:

"No guilt in life, no fear in death.
This is the power of Christ in me.
From life's first cry, to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny!"

What a wonderful God!

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.

Avery Jayne Black born January 22, 2009


There is a special relationship between grandparents and grandchildren that is an instant bond of acceptance, healing, and laughter. The magic children feel in the presence of their grandparents is like a sprinkling of fairy dust. It fills them with the secret that they are the most enchanting creatures God has sent to the earth and the very fact that they exist is magnificent joy. I love to watch my granddaughters swing open the door to my house completely confident that they are ushering in a shower of sunlight and the Hallelujah chorus with them. They know that they are royalty in my eyes, and the adoration is mutual. The Bible says, "Children's children are the crown of the aged." I don't usually refer to myself as "the aged," but I can certainly identify with the rest of the proverb! My grandchildren are the beautiful, glorious rewards of my own parenting. They are like the lines that connect the dots in the picture of a family. I am so thankful to be alive to see God once again carry a part of me into a new generation. For the past few weeks, I have laid for hours at a time with tiny Avery asleep on my chest. What is it about newborn babies that makes them smell so good? She is a perfect gift from heaven, and Shannon has been wonderful enough to bring her three girls over often so I can get in my fill of cuddling and kisses. Annabelle even observed a family resemblance between Avery and me, since she came out bald, just like her grandma!

We were thankful to learn that the sample of spinal fluid extracted during my lumbar puncture tested negative for cancer. This doesn't guarantee that my spinal fluid is completely clear, but it is certainly a good sign that two out of two tests were not able to detect cancer. I am scheduled for another two rounds of chemotherapy, and will then undergo the routine scans in mid-March to check for any changes in my disease.

I'm still pretty tired most of the time, but Dr. Segota said I should start regaining energy since the treatment I'm on now does not have many aggressive side effects. While being out most of the day would still completely wipe me out, she said it would be good to get a little activity into my routine. This was great news for Mackenzie who has found plenty of reasons to get me out of the house for meetings with florists, dj's, photographers, and a flurry of wedding-related vendors!

With my somewhat unpredictable levels of energy, Bob and I have had to miss some weeks of Bible study on nights that I have felt particularly drained. Last Monday Bob called to let them know I was going to have to go to bed early so we would not be able to make it. I was very touched when our doting friends Buzz and Donna showed up after they left Bible study with some of my favorite comfort foods - including a delicious pea soup. A few days later, sweet MaryJo came by with a savory stew, and then again with a snuggly warm blanket she had made as a Valentine's Day gift. God has really put a special group of people into our lives.

Understandably, I have a growing curiosity in anything I can learn about heaven. The Bible gives a few hints about what awaits us, and some Christian writers have written fascinating books describing their extrapolations on what the Bible has told us. Bob has been reading to me from Joni Eareckson Tada's book called Heaven. The ideas she has on eternal life are beautiful. She is as inspirational a writer as she is a role model. If you are looking for some stimulating literature, I'd recommend her writings.

Thank you for your continued prayers. God bless!

The Times They Are A-Changin!

Well I'm sure you all understand my absence from writing the past few weeks since the holidays are busy for everyone, but this year has been especially exciting for us as we await Shannon's new baby - now three days overdue - and New Year's Eve ushered in a big change as (drumroll please) Mackenzie got engaged! That's right folks! My condolences to all you hopeful single men who have been waiting for your big opportunity, but my youngest daughter is officially off the market for good. And her fiance Aaron's creative proposal certainly put the other stories I've heard to shame. Aaron and Mackenzie met when they were both students at UF, but these days Aaron is working in North Carolina while Mackenzie cares for me here in Florida. Since Aaron was not in the area, he enlisted Mackenzie's best friend Laura to convince her to go see a showing of an independent film on New Year's Eve Laura said was made by a friend of a friend. Mackenzie spent the days leading up to New Year's offering more than a few protests about the "stupid" holiday plans. And if you know Mackenzie at all, she does not have a reputation for being the most bearable of dissenters. I still have to get pointers on how Laura managed this miracle, but she was able to win the battle and drag Mackenzie out to the movie theatre on New Year's Eve. When they had found their seats, the movie began, starting with Aaron on the big screen telling Mackenzie that he loved her and since he couldn't be with her on this holiday, he made a film reflecting on their relationship as a substitute. The movie recapped memories and showed his need for her in his life with a great deal of humor. A few moments after the show had ended, Aaron further surprised a tearful Mackenzie by appearing from backstage and bringing her to center stage where he proposed, in front of her friends who had been hiding in the back of the theatre. The romantic surprise was topped off with a champagne toast and a profusion of pictures.

We are thrilled that Mackenzie has found a God-fearing man who loves and appreciates all that is special about her. Aaron is in the process of interviewing at medical schools around the country, so they will be married this summer and will move near whichever school God reveals to them as His choice for their future. Then Mackenzie will get some use out of that BFA degree in musical theatre by auditioning for jobs at regional theatres in the area.

I am so thankful that God has given me another goal to work toward now that the birth of Shannon's baby is so near. I had asked you to join me in praying that I would live long enough to hold this new baby, and I have to admit that as Shannon's due date drew near, my physical and mental health began to deteriorate quickly. Without making a conscious decision to do so, I think I treated the baby's birth as an approaching deadline. I was joyful God had granted our request to let me see my granddaughter, but I had no major goal beyond that one to give me a strong desire to hold on. After the baby was born, I would be free to leave this life behind and join my Savior in heaven. But with Mackenzie and Aaron's big news, I now have a another momentous date I want to live to see! So I am asking you to pray with me once again - first praising the Good Lord for sustaining my life until now so that I can greet Shannon's precious child any day now, and then that He may continue to give me breath to see Mackenzie be married to Aaron. All the exciting changes coming in our family have already significantly buoyed my body and spirit.

I successfully underwent gamma knife surgery a few weeks ago and was completely exhausted the days following. With the metal frame bracing my head and four needles pushing through my skin and resting against my skull to ensure no movement during the procedure, I looked like I could have been the star of a science fiction movie. Dr. Grabel, the neurosurgeon, pinpointed eight cancer lesions on my brain and treated them with aggressive radiation. In about two months, I will undergo brain scans to determine the success of the treatment, which is statistically highly effective.

This week Dr. Segota has ordered an MRI of my spine to check the status of the cancer in my spinal fluid. If it has grown, the extent of its progress will be checked with a spinal tap, and then we will discuss the treatment necessary to ward off its continued spread. If the cancer in my spinal fluid is stable, then I will return to usual chemotherapy which treats the cancer in the rest of my body.

My sister Jody is back in town keeping me up too late talking and laughing again. It is really incredible how much God has blessed me with an ever-changing, ever-growing, always-loving family. I am a remarkably fortunate woman.

The future Mr. and Mrs. Webel!



The gamma knife torture frame complete with screws, and I'm still smiling!

It's a long and windy road

Our house is filled to the brim with family again since Steve's clan arrived to stay with us for Christmastime, and I love waking up each day to the sound of girlish giggles from little Emma. Mornings are usually difficult for me as I wake up feeling just as exhausted as when I went to bed which is an immediate reminder that I am still sick and it's going to be another day of wearying effort to accomplish the simplest of tasks. But when I slowly descend the stairs and am greeted by a perpetually bouncing delight of a granddaughter who beams, "Hi-ya Gram!" I am reminded that God is good. He is the Father of life, and He has given me a blissful one.

There have been some new developments in the cancer arena in the past few days which we are praying about and continuing to take one day at a time. We were called to meet with Dr. Segota for an unscheduled appointment after the results of my latest scans were received. She told us that the cancer in my lungs and bones has grown, which is to be expected since I have been going without treatment for almost two months, but more concerning is the fact that the MRI showed five new cancer sites in my brain. These cancer lesions have manifested themselves in noticeable physical symptoms, such as my recent inability to maintain balance or be steady on my legs. Since chemotherapy does not treat cancer in the brain, Dr. Segota said the only option for dealing with these new lesions would be a process called gamma knife surgery, which is actually not surgery at all, but extremely localized and concentrated radiation. The obstacle is that this treatment is generally administered to patients with many less lesions than I have in my brain. There is no evidence that gamma knife surgery yields any benefit in terms of life span or quality of life in patients with numerous lesions. However, since there is no other option for treating my brain, Dr. Segota has already set up an appointment for me Monday morning with a highly esteemed neurosurgeon who has extensive experience with gamma knife surgery. He will have to look at my case and decide whether this treatment is a reasonable possibility for me.

After that decision is made, we will have to make another decision regarding chemotherapy. Although the disease in my lungs and bones is progressing, the cancer in my brain has far greater bearing on my life span. It will continue to be a much more serious concern than the cancer in the rest of my body. So Dr. Segota said we will have to have a discussion about whether remaining on chemo is improving my quality of life, or whether its side effects are actually doing more harm to me than good for my body. But for now, we have set that issue on the back burner until we receive an answer about the possibility of gamma knife surgery.

So once again there has been a sudden turn in the road, and I am asking you to join me in prayer for myself, my family, and my doctors as we wait on the Lord to provide us with some critical answers. Thank you and God bless you.

My One Year Anniversary!

I know it's been a few weeks, but I promise I haven't kept you waiting much longer than I myself had to wait! At the end of last week Dr. Segota walked into the examination room where Bob, Mackenzie, and I waited for my appointment and said, "You will kill me when I tell you this." Luckily for her, she was wrong. When she told me that the lab for the clinical study had once again come up with inconclusive results about whether I qualified for the study, instead of killing her, I just stared at the wall while I tried to come up with a reaction. The past few weeks I had thought hundreds of times about what I would feel and do if the news was that I didn't qualify for the study. I thought about what my response would be if I did qualify. I never decided what my reaction would be if I once again received no answer! Dr. Segota understood my silence and told me she was disappointed and confused as well. After the last biopsy, we sent them the largest sample we could of my most densely cancerous tissue. So it seems that if the lab for the clinical trial cannot determine if I make the cut now, they'll never be able to know. Instead of waiting 2 to 3 more weeks hoping for different results, we've decided to go the chemo route with a drug called Alimta.

So here I sit back in my home away from home at the Holy Cross infusion ward catching up with the oncology nurses I haven't seen in a few months. It's hard to believe it's been a year since this enterprise began. December 13, 2007, was my general physical with Dr. Groene where I mentioned a little shortness of breath. Thankfully, my off-hand remark prompted her to order a chest x-ray which exposed my lung cancer, beginning one of the most monumental adventures of my life. And I praise God that I have yet to see an end in sight.

Day to day living has certainly become more wearying. I am far more fatigued, have little appetite, and simple tasks like writing, painting, or walking up the stairs have become irritatingly difficult. But God sends me all the blessings I need to keep my spirits up and my focus on Him. My sister Jody came back to play with me a couple weeks ago and we had a great time lunching on the town, telling family stories, and once or twice staying in our pajamas all day long! Jody helps to take care of a family of girls who recently lost their mother where she lives in Kentucky. So while she was here visiting, we bought a Christmas doll at Target that coos and sings and sucks her thumb for one of Jody's girls. Separate outfits for the doll were hung up next to it and we picked a cute one out so it would have two clothing options. Later in the afternoon, we stopped at a children's shop so I could find a treasure or two for my grandbabies, and we discovered that Jody's new doll was a perfect fit for the premature infant clothing. Not only were the premie outfits adorable, they were cheaper than the actual doll clothes! Now that Christmas doll has a bone fide wardrobe! And the original Target outfit went right back to the store! Having Jody around for a week of fun did a great deal to buoy me out of a heavyhearted funk I had been in while waiting for results from the clinical study. She has a talent for creating smiles.

If you've known me for some time, you know that my life has generally been characterized by a distinct "get-up-and-go" attitude. I enjoy being busy and active and usually have a myriad of projects going on at any given time. Especially as a mother of four, sitting around idly grew to feel eerily uncomfortable. But this time of resting in my life has given me a powerful understanding of my true significance. Even as I make the shift from the "get-up-and-go" gal to the woman shuffling from the bed to the couch, I have lost none of myself. My identity is found in Christ, in that in His astounding grace and mercy, He chose to save me and give me abundant eternal life, regardless of what my earthly restrictions may be. Galatians 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." I am continuing to learn more and more of the vast expanse of Christ's love for His children. Ephesians 3:16-19 contains a prayer of the apostle Paul for the church, "I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Christ's love for me is certainly beyond my understanding, but I am thankful for the enormous purpose and hope it gives me.

I pray that God is also showing you the magnitude of His love and the impact He can make in your life. He is truly the "Father of all compassion."

I have good news and bad news...

The good news is, a sample of my tissue was inspected for the clinical trial, and I was not disqualified! The bad news is, I have not qualified either. Dr. Segota's nurse Debbie called last week to tell us that there was not enough tissue sent to the test lab from my three previous biopsies to determine whether or not the specific mutation they are looking for is present. You can imagine my disappointment after waiting weeks for news and then receiving no answers. Debbie was sympathetic and regretful to be the bearer of bad news, but she asked me to come in for an appointment on Thursday where we could discuss the options that were left.

So this morning Bob, Mackenzie, and I headed down to Holy Cross Hospital to hear our choices and make some decisions. Like Debbie, Dr. Segota was disappointed and apologetic that the lab could not offer us conclusive results. It was a discouragement for all of us, but now we had to look at our options and choose the one we felt best about.

The first option would be to undergo another lung biopsy where they would make sure they gather enough tissue to receive a clear decision from the clinical study. Then we would again have to wait the two weeks while the tissue is tested and find out whether I qualify for the experimental treatment. Of course, the numbers are still the same. After examining the sample tissue, only 10% of candidates actually qualify for the study. But of those qualifiers, 70% of cases see their tumors shrink by about 25%, and life expectancy is significantly increased. I had to ask Dr. Segota to repeat those percentages a few times before I could actually follow the information!

The alternative is to return to chemotherapy using a different drug called Alimta. I could begin this treatment immediately. In 20% of cases, patients see their tumors shrink by 25%, and in 40% of cases, they see their cancer stabilize for about 2 months.

Of course, this isn't a decision with a clear right or wrong answer. There were numerous factors to consider, and pros and cons to each option. But when I turned to Bob and Mackenzie it was clear we were on the same page. I've never been a gambler, but I have always been a risk taker, and I think the risk to go a couple more weeks without treatment, undergo another biopsy, and send in my tissue for a long shot at the clinical trial is a risk worth taking. If the lab results show that cannot participate in the study, I will resume chemo with Alimta. But I would like to know if I qualify for the most promising option.

My lung biopsy is tomorrow at noon, so please be praying for that procedure and pray for the answers we will receive from it about my future treatment! Ultimately, God is in control and as we pray to Him, I know He will reveal His will for my journey.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow!

Well, it has happened again folks! I inspected my pillow about a week after I finished radiation, and determined that either a German Shepherd had been sharing my bed or my newly sprouted hair was again on its way out. It's back to bald and beautiful for me! Last night Annabelle had a sleepover at Gram's, and after her bath she came into my room where I opened my drawer and pulled out a brush to work on her tangles. After a minute of thought, she asked, "Gram, why do you even have brushes and combs?" I laughed and told her I hold on to them for her sleepovers.

I am slowly getting back to feeling like myself again after completing radiation. The skin on my head is red and irritated, much like a sunburn, and I've suffered some hearing loss which will likely repair itself in the coming weeks. But the most significant side effect is extreme fatigue which set in a few days after I began the treatment and has just started lessening this week, just in time to get up and throw on a wig to see Annabelle and Addison get baptized in church Sunday morning. Baptisms at our church are usually scheduled every few months so that groups can be baptized in a single service. We were very thankful that they were willing to work in an unscheduled baptism for my grandchildren at Shannon's request so that I could be there to see my them enter into the covenant family. When children are baptized at Coral Ridge, the entire congregation pledges to take part in nurturing them and training them up in faith. As I heard my church family take this oath, I was powerfully touched and reassured that the kids will be taken care of after I'm gone. It was a beautiful experience that reminded me of God's unfailing goodness and grace.

And then it was on to waffle mania! Erin hosted an elaborate celebratory brunch at our house complete with pumpkin waffles and apple maple syrup. She did a fantastic job, and we enjoyed having extended family and friends over to rejoice with us!

Steve accompanied Bob and me to meet with Dr. Segota last week since Mackenzie was visiting her boyfriend in North Carolina. But of course, she didn't leave without giving him explicit instructions on taking notes and asking questions according to her method. Because of his background with medicine in the Navy, Steve was great to have with us during yet another appointment filled with new information, because he could simplify the medical talk for me. Here's the latest news. Without a biopsy providing absolute proof of the cancer in my spine, they cannot treat the disease. Dr. Segota met with a team of doctors to discuss my case, and they decided the spinal area under suspicion is so precarious that attempting a biopsy might do more damage than good. Instead, they'd rather focus on treating the overall cancer as opposed to that specific region. My best option now is a clinical study which involves a daily oral treatment to impede the growth of the cancer. Roughly 10% of people in my situation have the specific mutating gene that is necessary for the study medication to work. So far Holy Cross Hospital has tested 8 candidates for the presence of this gene and none of them have had it. So they've sent off my tissue to be tested as well, and if it turns out that I qualify, I'll be quite the celebrity around the hospital! This clinical study has had great success in extending the life of its participants. We'll find out if I fit the bill in about a week, so please be praying that I do! If not, Dr. Segota said we will refocus on managing the systemic cancer, though we did not go into detail about what that would involve. With the amount of radiation I've received recently, she said it's best I take a few weeks off from any treatment anyhow.

After my last day of brain radiation, I brought the mask home that was used to bolt me to the metal bed for the procedure - just in time for Halloween! The grandkids have had a great time putting on the stiff mask and running around the house yelling, "Boo!" Terribly scary!

I have continued to be blessed by big-hearted people who take the time to remind me of their care. An elegant bouquet of lilies and irises was delivered to our door last week with a touching note from one of Mackenzie's best friends, Arianne. And my daughter-in-law Dawn brought me wonderful scrapbook pages she made with pictures of Steve's induction as a Naval Chief to add to my book because she knows how I love to show off his accomplishments. I also received an adorable card from a first grade class at Westminster Academy with a beautiful drawing on the front of what we are guessing is either a flower or a ladybug. Either way, it was cute and encouraging.

We have enjoyed the week we've had with Steve since his return from duty overseas. He came to collect Dawn, Emma, and their dog Barley who were staying with Dawn's parents in South Florida while he was gone. But unfortunately, their visit has to come to an end, and they are leaving before sunrise tomorrow to drive to their new home in Washington, DC where Steve has been restationed as Chief. I can really never find adequate words to say how proud I am of my son. I am saturated with joy every time I get to see him.

I'm getting ready to head over and say my goodbyes to Steve and co. I'll definitely be bringing my camera to take pictures of Ballerina Emma, and later Kitty Cat Annabelle and Minnie Mouse Addison at Shannon and John's house!