It's a long and windy road

Our house is filled to the brim with family again since Steve's clan arrived to stay with us for Christmastime, and I love waking up each day to the sound of girlish giggles from little Emma. Mornings are usually difficult for me as I wake up feeling just as exhausted as when I went to bed which is an immediate reminder that I am still sick and it's going to be another day of wearying effort to accomplish the simplest of tasks. But when I slowly descend the stairs and am greeted by a perpetually bouncing delight of a granddaughter who beams, "Hi-ya Gram!" I am reminded that God is good. He is the Father of life, and He has given me a blissful one.

There have been some new developments in the cancer arena in the past few days which we are praying about and continuing to take one day at a time. We were called to meet with Dr. Segota for an unscheduled appointment after the results of my latest scans were received. She told us that the cancer in my lungs and bones has grown, which is to be expected since I have been going without treatment for almost two months, but more concerning is the fact that the MRI showed five new cancer sites in my brain. These cancer lesions have manifested themselves in noticeable physical symptoms, such as my recent inability to maintain balance or be steady on my legs. Since chemotherapy does not treat cancer in the brain, Dr. Segota said the only option for dealing with these new lesions would be a process called gamma knife surgery, which is actually not surgery at all, but extremely localized and concentrated radiation. The obstacle is that this treatment is generally administered to patients with many less lesions than I have in my brain. There is no evidence that gamma knife surgery yields any benefit in terms of life span or quality of life in patients with numerous lesions. However, since there is no other option for treating my brain, Dr. Segota has already set up an appointment for me Monday morning with a highly esteemed neurosurgeon who has extensive experience with gamma knife surgery. He will have to look at my case and decide whether this treatment is a reasonable possibility for me.

After that decision is made, we will have to make another decision regarding chemotherapy. Although the disease in my lungs and bones is progressing, the cancer in my brain has far greater bearing on my life span. It will continue to be a much more serious concern than the cancer in the rest of my body. So Dr. Segota said we will have to have a discussion about whether remaining on chemo is improving my quality of life, or whether its side effects are actually doing more harm to me than good for my body. But for now, we have set that issue on the back burner until we receive an answer about the possibility of gamma knife surgery.

So once again there has been a sudden turn in the road, and I am asking you to join me in prayer for myself, my family, and my doctors as we wait on the Lord to provide us with some critical answers. Thank you and God bless you.

My One Year Anniversary!

I know it's been a few weeks, but I promise I haven't kept you waiting much longer than I myself had to wait! At the end of last week Dr. Segota walked into the examination room where Bob, Mackenzie, and I waited for my appointment and said, "You will kill me when I tell you this." Luckily for her, she was wrong. When she told me that the lab for the clinical study had once again come up with inconclusive results about whether I qualified for the study, instead of killing her, I just stared at the wall while I tried to come up with a reaction. The past few weeks I had thought hundreds of times about what I would feel and do if the news was that I didn't qualify for the study. I thought about what my response would be if I did qualify. I never decided what my reaction would be if I once again received no answer! Dr. Segota understood my silence and told me she was disappointed and confused as well. After the last biopsy, we sent them the largest sample we could of my most densely cancerous tissue. So it seems that if the lab for the clinical trial cannot determine if I make the cut now, they'll never be able to know. Instead of waiting 2 to 3 more weeks hoping for different results, we've decided to go the chemo route with a drug called Alimta.

So here I sit back in my home away from home at the Holy Cross infusion ward catching up with the oncology nurses I haven't seen in a few months. It's hard to believe it's been a year since this enterprise began. December 13, 2007, was my general physical with Dr. Groene where I mentioned a little shortness of breath. Thankfully, my off-hand remark prompted her to order a chest x-ray which exposed my lung cancer, beginning one of the most monumental adventures of my life. And I praise God that I have yet to see an end in sight.

Day to day living has certainly become more wearying. I am far more fatigued, have little appetite, and simple tasks like writing, painting, or walking up the stairs have become irritatingly difficult. But God sends me all the blessings I need to keep my spirits up and my focus on Him. My sister Jody came back to play with me a couple weeks ago and we had a great time lunching on the town, telling family stories, and once or twice staying in our pajamas all day long! Jody helps to take care of a family of girls who recently lost their mother where she lives in Kentucky. So while she was here visiting, we bought a Christmas doll at Target that coos and sings and sucks her thumb for one of Jody's girls. Separate outfits for the doll were hung up next to it and we picked a cute one out so it would have two clothing options. Later in the afternoon, we stopped at a children's shop so I could find a treasure or two for my grandbabies, and we discovered that Jody's new doll was a perfect fit for the premature infant clothing. Not only were the premie outfits adorable, they were cheaper than the actual doll clothes! Now that Christmas doll has a bone fide wardrobe! And the original Target outfit went right back to the store! Having Jody around for a week of fun did a great deal to buoy me out of a heavyhearted funk I had been in while waiting for results from the clinical study. She has a talent for creating smiles.

If you've known me for some time, you know that my life has generally been characterized by a distinct "get-up-and-go" attitude. I enjoy being busy and active and usually have a myriad of projects going on at any given time. Especially as a mother of four, sitting around idly grew to feel eerily uncomfortable. But this time of resting in my life has given me a powerful understanding of my true significance. Even as I make the shift from the "get-up-and-go" gal to the woman shuffling from the bed to the couch, I have lost none of myself. My identity is found in Christ, in that in His astounding grace and mercy, He chose to save me and give me abundant eternal life, regardless of what my earthly restrictions may be. Galatians 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." I am continuing to learn more and more of the vast expanse of Christ's love for His children. Ephesians 3:16-19 contains a prayer of the apostle Paul for the church, "I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Christ's love for me is certainly beyond my understanding, but I am thankful for the enormous purpose and hope it gives me.

I pray that God is also showing you the magnitude of His love and the impact He can make in your life. He is truly the "Father of all compassion."