Because He lives

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!"
~William J. Gaither

This was the chorus Mackenzie sang Sunday evening in church that gave me great comfort and reminded me of the movie Bob and I finally watched last week, "The Bucket List." It was an overall good movie, but there was a particular scene that has occupied my thoughts because of the marginal significance it was given in the film. The characters played by Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson are flying over the Arctic and as they take in the magnificent view, the two terminally ill men begin to talk about the future. Freeman's character says he is not afraid because he has faith. He doesn't go into detail about his faith, but Nicholson's character responds that he is proudly faithless. He says this life is all there is, and after you die it's the end of the story. The wheels on the bus keep going round and round - someone is born, someone dies, and there is no great meaning behind any of it. His companion asks, "What if your wrong?" And Nicholson's character replies with his sly grin, "Well then I win!" And the men turn back to the window view.

The movie goes on, but I was stuck at that exchange. This faithless character thought by ignoring the possibility of a God, he could ultimately win. How is that conceivable? I believe with all my heart, mind, and soul that the one true God sent His son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross to pay the deserved penalty for my sin and the sin of countless others, so that whoever believes in Him can be forgiven and spend eternity in heaven with Him. I don't see how there could be any other way to live without fear in the assurance that you will reach heaven. If the way to get to heaven is by living a good life and doing good to others, how do you ever know you've done enough? Can you ever feel secure that you've reached that unknown standard of some kind of good to bad ratio where your benevolent deeds outweigh your selfish ones, or must you constantly live facing the risk that you just might not be good enough? Does each blemished action detract from your worthiness of heaven? Just what is the measure of goodness to qualify a person for heaven? In Matthew 5:48, the Bible states the standard, "Be ye perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Alright, I think most people would agree with me that this is impossible. I know for a fact that I, for one, am far from perfect. I think this is where many people, like Jack Nicholson's character who just wanted to pack as much fun as possible into life, jump ship religiously. Religion requires far too much of us and takes the fun out of life. I would argue that these people are missing a major component of Christianity, but without that element, I can see how they would get turned off. I can see how it may be more appealing for them to believe there is no God and no ultimate accountability. Now there is no need to worry about perfection, but instead they are free to live for their own happiness. But what about people who take this idea to the extreme? If there is no God, then every person can define right and wrong for himself. The Manhattan pastor Tim Keller poses this question to people who claim this conviction, "Is there anyone in the world right now doing things you believe they should stop doing no matter what they personally believe about the correctness of their behavior?" The answer is invariably, "Yes." The fact that we desire justice according to some moral code that is not defined by us, but must be answered to regardless of personal beliefs is one of many strong indications that at heart we are all created to know there is an accountability and a power beyond ourselves. There is a multitude of clues like these that, when examined, suggest that we know there is a God, and we know actions will be judged.

Now if we acknowledge that there is a just God, and we know that His standard for us is perfection, yet we are imperfect, how is all of this reconciled? Of course, in Christianity, we call these imperfections sin. Romans 3:23 begins this way, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," and since we know God is just, this sin must be punished. Romans 6:23 says, "For the wages of sin is death." Because of our failure to meet God's standard of perfection, we all deserve to die an eternal death. We deserve to never be joined with our Creator in heaven, but to live forever apart from Him. However, the same Bible that tells us of these severe consequences, also tells us in 1 John 4:8 that, "God is love." These two great attributes of God - His perfect justice and His love - converge in the solution provided for us through His only son Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, who was fully man and God, lived an entirely sinless life, but died in our place to pay the terrible price for our sin. Isaiah 53:6 explains it this way, "We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all." Jesus was a blameless man who was tortured and died for the sins of the world, but unlike other men, Jesus was also God and able to overcome this death by coming back to life. His physical resurrection is a foreshadowing of the resurrection God offers to everyone who trusts in Christ's sacrifice for their salvation. In Christ, we have no reason to fear death because it is not the end of our story; it is a beginning to our eternity in heaven. Earlier, I quoted a portion of Romans 3:23. The continuation of the passage is this, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in His blood." How beautiful that we have a Lord and Savior who not only offers us an eternal place with Him in heaven despite our unworthiness, but He does so by suffering on our behalf, so that anytime we face anguish, we know we can turn to a God who understands our pain in an entirely literal and courage-inspiring way. This has been especially comforting to me as I face cancer with a God who has been through physical pain and death.

All we have to do is acknowledge that we are sinners and believe that Jesus interceded on our behalves so that we can enter heaven. It is truly that easy. But if we choose to ignore God and just hope for the best when we die, Jack Nicholson's character was heart-breakingly mistaken. We do not win. We lose. We lose in the the most monumental and final way possible. And yet it is so easy to win eternal life through a relationship with God. This is the way that we can live without fear of the future and experience the fullness of joy God has intended for us. John 10:10 says, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." I pray that none of you will put off thinking about these things until it is too late. I pray that you will recognize your own innate perception of justice and love, which we all experience because we are made in the image of our just and loving Creator. I pray that you will believe in the saving sacrifice of Jesus Christ. I pray that you will win.

"And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!"

A sister is a forever friend.

The comments and cards are pouring in again and I'm so thankful! I especially love hearing from those of you who were very dear companions in my past with whom I have sadly lost touch. Getting reacquainted with old friends is one of those especially heartwarming experiences in life. I don't think it is a coincidence that the resurgence of encouragement from you and a remarkable boost in my energy came at roughly the same time, which was just before my sister Jody's visit from Kentucky.

With our father, mother, and sister all passing recently from cancer, Jody took an astounding 17 trips to Wisconsin and Florida last year to be with her family, which should give you an idea of the kind of dependable and caring sister she is. By now she's made more support visits than she could count on her fingers and toes and still never seems to be suffering from jet lag! Her high energy has gotten me out to lunch, to the mall, and cruising along the beach - all out of my pajamas I should add! Jody said my family and I have got to be sick of the same few pairs of pajamas I spend most days in now, so she's taking mine back to Kentucky and buying me a fresh set! We have shared all the laughter and tears you would expect between two sisters separated by distance, and I'll be sad to see her go. One of the funniest parts for me was watching Bob, Erin, and Mackenzie join Jody for her 3-mile walking exercise video. I sat back and chuckled as I watched the crew do kickbacks, knee highs, and grapevines across my living room while the girls harped on Bob for hanging in the back so he could cheat. Bob was sweating and smiling as he sat down to enjoy a chocolate cookie after exercising.

I've been thinking lately about an apprehension I felt when I first learned of my diagnosis, and which I know some of my friends who have been through cancer grappled with. When I knew I would lose my hair, I wondered how people would receive me. I thought they would stare and make me uncomfortable. But every time I stepped out of my house, I was surprised to find I didn't receive a second look from anyone! It seems cancer has in some way touched the lives of most people in our time, so a woman with no hair is hardly shocking anymore. Instead of feeling self-conscious about my new look, I felt completely accepted. There's no reason for the effects of our treatment to cause us to hide away, because cancer has become a worldwide issue that people are aware of and empathetic toward.

In fact, I found I was the only one giving myself a second look - every time I passed a mirror. Who is that old woman?! All the reader's in my generation will understand what I'm talking about. I think I know the radiant beauty I'm going to see, but when I step in front of the glass I see someone's grandmother! But the grandmother is starting to become more familiar to me, and now I usually don't need a second look. I don't know if this growing recognition of my mirror image is a good thing or a bad thing, but I thought it was a fascinating process, so I've included it for your reading intrigue.

I was able to rejoin my friends at art class last week where I talked with some of them about their own experiences with cancer. I lamented my growing fatigue to them, and they said, "If your treatment is making you feel this way, just think of what it's doing to the cancer in your body." I like that outlook. My cancer should be pooped-out by now! And they assured me that as I stop the chemo, my energy will be fully restored.

So with future restored energy in mind, Bob and I are making plans for after Steve and his family's visit next week, starting with the boat day we've pencilled in with friends on Bob's birthday!

Daydreams of a New World

I had to add a couple more pictures of Annabelle's fashionable clothing made by Gram, and then one of lunch with the ladies in my blonde bombshell wig to celebrate Erin's last day of school since she teaches 5th grade.

I can't tell you how much I've appreciated the outpouring of love I've received since my last post! It couldn't have come at a better time either because this has certainly been the toughest phase of my cancer yet. But now, as I'm enjoying a banana split in place of dinner, (trust me, it doesn't happen often) I'm feeling better and can catch you up. I don't know if it is the wear and tear of multiple chemo treatments on my body, or just the cancer itself, but my observable health has worsened over the past weeks. After a couple episodes of physical illness spread out over a few days, I spent a full 24 hours Sunday through Monday evening vomiting at least once an hour. I had trouble even keeping down sips of liquid, so we called Dr. Segota's nurse who suggested I come in Tuesday morning for IV fluids. I'm taking all the anti-nausea medications they have to give, so unfortunately there isn't much they can do to stop this symptom. But I was glad we made the appointment for IV replenishments Tuesday morning because I woke up so weak I thought I might pass out walking from the house to the car. Mackenzie held my hand for support as we got to the hospital and we spent the day in infusion with the familiar nurses and volunteers who are always personable and gentle in their duties.

Thankfully the vomiting stopped and the intravenous fluids perked me back up, but my energy has remained lower than usual. Little tasks like wiping a spot from the floor can leave me winded. Each time I lay down to catch my breath, it is a blessing to open a card or read blog comments from loved ones rooting for me. I hope you all know how much your care rallies me.

Of course when you hear you've got terminal cancer, you start to spend a little more time thinking about what lies ahead after life. I've been daydreaming of what's in store for me. Bob and I have been looking up what the Bible has to say about heaven...and it's not much, which made perfect sense when I gave it some thought. I've often compared human comprehension of heaven to a baby's understanding of the world while he's still in his mother's womb. If you tried to explain to that baby fetus that it would have to eat and breathe to stay alive when all he's known is the nourishment of an umbilical cord, or tell him gravity would hold him to hard surfaces when he's been floating in amniotic fluids, or describe to him any multitude of the visions and sensations he would experience in a new world in an instant, it would be unfathomable to him. However, the moment he's born, the baby adapts perfectly the the experience he could have never imagined. Although he could not have anticipated what awaited him outside of his mother's body, he was made for this world and has been equipped with all he needs to thrive in it. That's the best way I can understand heaven. When all we know is this mortal world, how much could we understand of an eternal world completely beyond and apart from its realm? Even though I know next to nothing about heaven, I trust God that it is there and I have been perfectly created to live an unending life there.

I know and am thankful that many of you are praying for my healing, and of course I would cherish more years with my family and loved ones if God chooses to give them to me. But at the same time, I don't have the desperation to live that it seems many people expect me to have. My life has not been a fairytale, but I also have no regrets as I think back on my years. I have taken advantage of every stage of life, so like I've said before, I have no bucket list or unfulfilled dreams. It helps me to be at peace with either living or dying. Truthfully, if I do enter heaven soon, I am incredibly thankful for the way God is allowing me to finish my time on earth. We have had family members die in car crashes and other tragic accidents, and I think those are the hardest deaths to deal with. There is no closure. No preparation. No goodbyes. God has given my family the great blessing of time. And as a mother, I am grateful that I can be here to help my children prepare to live without me. I know now is the time to teach Mackenzie all the traditional family recipes. Now is the time for Steve and Dawn to have Emma's birthday party in Florida instead of Virginia so I can be a part of it. It is the time for Erin to get more than an earful of my financial advice, and the time for Shannon and her kids to stop by almost every day. This is really a precious time for us. My mom and dad used to come stay with my family about 6 months out of the year, and even though that was a lot of time to spend with them, I would cry every time they packed the car to drive back to Wisconsin. I didn't want them to leave, but I knew they had to go home. And I was comforted to know that soon enough we would be taking our summer trip to Wisconsin and we would be reunited again. That's how I see the time I have with my family now. My visit on earth may be coming to a close, and it makes Bob and my kids and me cry to think of saying goodbye, but we know that eventually I need to go home. And they will all come stay with me soon.